home

so being home is really weird. Basically, time has stood still here, and ive changed soooo much.....its a little weird. I went to see my teachers today, most of them i actually wanted to see, and i said hi, and they asked how is my life now in CA, and i say its amazing, and then we have some nice, some petty, discussion, but really nothing at school has changed. The administration is full of morons, there are some amazing teachers, and some really stupid ones.......its just weird.

Being in the clippers pool really sucks now. The sets are sooooo stupid, and there is noone to really swim with, kendrick is gone, kim quit swimming, nour isnt back yet, and that leaves me and the kelseys.....it sucks. Not to mention that im kinda dead from practice, i really struggled the past couple of days, probably from not being able to go to all the practices in davis....but that will change when i can finally make them all. I mean dont get me wrong, they are oging to suck for the first couple of weeks, and probably only going to get worse, and I dont really like most of the people there......it just really sucks. :P I really just want to suck it up this year and try out for the uc davis team in march. OMG i really want to be on the davis team, if i make it, i will extremely happy. But 90 percent says that i wont make the team, and if i dont make the team, i do not think i will be swimming next year. Too much time spent with people i dont really hang out with/ like. As much as i enjoy swimming, i think the only reason i enjoyed it was because i had all my friends there, i really dont want to frustrate myself with all this confusion. So thats that. I am going to work really hard from the start of january, and then try out for the davis team in march. If i make it, yay!!! if i dont, then im done XP. This is a really shitty conclusion to something i have only being doing for like 3 years. Ughghgh, i wish i had started swimming when i was younger! i would be sooo fast right now, but no, i started in my sophmore year of high school! DUMB!

and then theres clippers, ohhhh i really hate clippers right now. Jeff has been helping the current seniors get signed with other swimming schools to swim, and for money. I ask you, WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE WHEN I WAS DOING THAT SHIT! He is talking to them about the letters hes getting from colleges about different kids swimming for their school, i wasnt THAT bad, i had descent times! come on. Not fair! Whatever. I am trying to picture where i would be if i had signed with a school for swimming. Probably not at a very good school.....I do love where i am, i just ruminating on what could have been. :P.

mur. Ughghhg, its always really frustrating to picture what my life could have been. Ex: i couldve gone to private school, but i kno for a fact i wouldnt be swimming right now. Another, I shouldve started swimming younger and then i would be at some other MD school, being all super fast in the pool, but probably really dumb! Ufhhfhfghgh. Mucho frustrated. I cant go back to davis right now, and see the people who like the me that i am, and not what i could be. I think everyone here expects me to be something i am not! My swimmer friends what me to be a super fast swimmer. My school friends expect that i am going to be a super smarty pants. And my karate friends expect that i teach in davis......too many people, too many expectations. I am only one person!!!! But that is a deep emotional problem that i have to solve after i deal with this swimmer thing. I think i really have to learn to be ok with me, not who people expect me to be. This is why i need to go back to davis. Nobody expects anything from me, expect to be a smarty pants, but that is generally easy, easier than being a super smarty pants. Its nice that people except you the way that you are, and not what they think you should be.....i am going to ruminate on that further.

Other than that, the week was pretty uneventful. Went to dinner with hope yesterday, went to dinner with kendrick and his family to celebrate his 15th bday, its weird but they are basically my family now :P, and then got iced in at kendricks house because i was too afraid to drive the night before. That is pretty much it :D. I am just ready to get my life back to where IIIIII want it ( I tried to find a way to emphasize I, since its already capitalized, so i thought repeating it would do the trick). Thanks for excepting me the way i am guys!