So, I am kicked out of the house for a little while, and I am chilling in Panera for a bit. Now, it is not what you think! The house is just getting cleaned before our departure to Ireland. We leave for Ireland tonight at like 8 or 9ish. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED. I have never been abroad before, not even to freaking Canada, so I am beyond thrilled to be going all the way to England/ Ireland for two weeks.
Mom has been freaking out the past couple of days. I came home last night and she started yelling at me, and I knew she was just stressed out, but she got under my skin a bit, so I started yelling back. Ten minutes later I walk down-stairs and she apologizes. I am probably the only child who can yell at his mother and get away with it.
Other than that summer has been pretty uneventful. At least when it comes to big life changing events anyway. I have been making sure I keep myself busy socializing, learning new songs on the piano, reading, drawing, and lots of other junk. Not having a job means that I have to make sure I don't go crazy bored and start trying to do new things again (like when I learned Italian and piano last summer). So, I have just been getting ready for my art classes in August and for my job at the morgue. Yep, I'm getting a job at a morgue (hopefully). I will be slicing up dead people and messing around with their organs and what-not. I know I shouldn't be excited, because society frowns upon getting excited about autopsy a little, but I am freaking excited. After watching a ton of X-files watching Skulley cut open a ton of dead people, I am super excited to see it in real life. I am such a dork. But for serious, I am super excited to get back to school. This year I made some really awesome friends, who I owe a lot to, and it is actually hard for me to be so far away from them right now. I am going to have a hard time saying goodbye when we all go to different grad schools, maybe we will have drifted apart by then, but I kind of doubt it.
That's another fun topic: grad school. I still have to take the MCATs and the GREs. I have figured I am going to apply to vet school and med school, and if I get into a good vet school I will go there. But, chances are I won't, so I have my back-up at being a doctor. And if I don't get into either of those, I can either be a hobo, or take a couple years off and work at a zoo, retake the tests, and the reapply 2 years later. At least I have a plan now. My Uncle Larry didn't get into med school, so if I know at least I will be able to talk to him about what I should do next. I have accepted the fact that I am not super smart. I am kinda smart, but to be a doctor I feel you have to be super smart. I am going to give it my best here, but I ain't holding my breathe or nothing.
I don't think everyone would be super disappointed in me either. I work killer hard and that is all anyone could really ask for. I am not super talented and gifted with brains like Kate, or even James sometimes. I have had to work for everything. Which, I don't mind, there are just limitations to how much i can really do sometimes, and how much effort I can really put in before i go all kinds of crazy.
Swim Club went out strong-ish last year. Strong enough to compel me to continue the program next year. I say this because if I don't do it, no one will. I hate how incredibly stubborn I can be sometimes, but I really want this to work out. The Men's Swimming and Diving Team for UCD just got cut, so that means we have a good chance of getting more members, I am just worried we will get some really serious people who want to compete, and we really don't have anyone to compete agaist right now. All the other clubs in the area aren't college run, and all the college run swim clubs keep going under. I am thinking we should hold like a city wide swim meet for all the clubs, old people, students, ect. and see if we can get any fund-raising money doing that. I hope so. But, again it is a ton of work, and this is difficult because I wanted to start doing tae kwon do again when I get back to school. I want to be able to compete next year/ senior year and be able fight again. Haven't sparred in god knows how long. I am just ready to bash someones head in, literally. But, if swim club is super time consuming I won't be able to get the training I want in. Plus, I am also taking 18 units this quarter :/. I am essentially taking all the classes I have been putting off taking in one quarter: Physics 7A, University Writing 1, Animal Bio 50A, Bio Chem 102, and Statics 13. Not going to be a fun quarter in the fall.
But summer is going to be fun!!! I start classes on August 2nd and I am taking my basic art classes. I am taking Art 4 drawing and 5 sculpting. I will essentially be in the art studio 6 hours a day with an hour break in between each 3 hours for lunch. Everyday Monday- Thursday. I then have Friday off and will hopefully be using that time to work. I will be hopefully working 8am-5pm Fri/ Sat/ Sunday and be on call from 5pm to 8 am one day of the week. This is fine because my classes end around 4. I am going to be super busy because I will also be training extra with extra practices in tae kwon do. Plus, I have to make sure I see all my friends who are there chilling for the summer or taking classes. I think most of my friends are there, so it shall be awesome. PLUS, I will have my car out there! My dad said he would ship the car out there so I won't have to bike EVERYWHERE!!!! This is a huge huge convenience that I know have. So happy. I won't use it all that often. Like, I can still bike on campus and bike to go see my friends; but, now I can use my car if it is raining or something, and we have practice or something like that. SUPER AMAZING AWESOME. I do not know how many times I had to bike in the rain to practice, only to have it canceled by thunder RIGHT when I got there. Actually I can. It happened 4 times. 4 Mother trucking times. Each time I would show up completely soaked and miserable. One time I even had walked there because it had looked nice out, and I thought it would be a good day to walk. HOW WRONG I WAS. I show up the pool SOAKING WET and without shows (because my shoes were too hard to wear in the rain and they were giving me blisters), and the lifeguard J.J looks at me and laughs and says there was thunder 5 minutes (I heard it too I was hoping she ignored it) and that practice was canceled. I couldn't help laughing myself, with how ridiculous the situation had turned out. I still had lab though, so I go to lab dripping wet, holding my shoes, and sit in the lab building waiting for class in 2 hours. A.J and Melissa see me and start laughing from down the hallway, cause they saw my lack of shoes and knew it was me. I was a sight of hilarity that day. BUT NOW I CAN AVOID ALL OF THIS WITH MY FANCY CAR! YAYYYY.
Ok, I am tired of writing stuffs. It has been almost an hour. I am going to go for a long drive and wait for Kendrick to call me to tell me we can hang before I go on my plane to IRELAND.
Did I mention I am excited. I am planing on getting "lost," finding a cute Irish girl to marry, and start a sheep farm. I have gotten a mix of results form my friends. Half say good luck and send an address so I can come visit. Half have said NO WE WILL BE YOU. I then laugh at this half and think to myself, what on earth would posse the people to actually enjoy having me around. Most people can't stand me, and for good reason, I can be a serious jack-ass :P. I was actually talking to Kelsey Smith about this yesterday. I told her of some of the grad schools I was applying to: Uni of London, Sydney University, Dublin U., UCD, and a couple of east coast schools. She said I am ridiculous and should at least try to stay in the states. She asked why I always apply so absurdly far away, and I honestly did not have an answer. Still don't really. I just like going new places to live for a little while, then move on. I am like a nomad. Enh, whatever. Panera is filling up, and I said I would end this post like 3 paragraphs ago. END POST.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
airport boredom
I know I am a bad person because I only post these things when I am bored. That and I don't want to look like a complete moron sitting at the airport trying to kill 2 hours by staring at the wall. People get confused when someone finds the wall that entertaining.
Finals are finally over for spring quarter. Fuck yes. It was a really, really, really, really stressful and difficult quarter. Emotions were running loose and wild on the streets and crying was done. That's right folks I cried. It was right after my second ochem midterm.....wait, a back-story needs to be done here. Ochem is a bitch, but I did fairly well last quarter pulling off a B. I worked really hard and earned that fucking B. So, this quarter I though the same thing would occur, I would work really hard and scrape a B. It kinda happened like that. Kinda. First midterm rolls around, I study a descent amount and I get a 52/100...granted the average was a 59, but still, I got essentially a C. Not a good start. So, I study super hard, I mean I spent weeks studying without studying for my other classes, bathing, or eating. I finally take the test, and I thought it went pretty well. My friends think the test was a nightmare, but I ignored their raining on my parade because I had studied. You cannot fail if you studied. WRONG. I get my grade back, i got a 26/100. I am not even fucking kidding. A 26 out of 100. The average was a 41. I had successfully proven that studying does NOTHING. I was super emo for a couple days. I didn't leave my house, I drew some pretty pictures, it was like a perpetual pool of emoness was filling up my house. So, I did what I always do when I fail. I pretend it never happened. I start leaving the house, stopped studying super hard, and just having fun with friends. I lived this feckless lifestyle for about 2 weeks, before finals week craned it's neck to look at me with it's soulless eyes. Finals were a week away and my freak out began. I study feverishness for all my classes, ochem included. I was a study machine. I studied at the 24 hour study center for much more than 24 hours. I read my books front to back. My first final was Tuesday, and it was art history. I gave a half assed effort to read the chapter and go over important artist that were in Italy in the 15th century and pretended I actually cared about these funny looking portraits of who cares what. I wrote my essay quickly and skillfully, filling the entire 32 page booklet with my intelligent thoughts and sheer awesomeness. I had done well on the midterms and wrote a BEAST paper on Donatello's David (for which I translated over 30 pages of Italian), so I was not too worried.
Then it was onto genetics. I really do not care for genetics, but I do not care for failing. I had done well on the first one, bombed my second due to over-studying for ochem, so I felt the urge to do well. I studied with Melissa, and we both felt we understood the material. This is simple proof God either hates me, or loves to watch me suffer. That test was as if hell had spurred out through paper and DNA. It was disgusting. Every single person that walked out of that room had their living souls sucked out from them. Melissa and I cried that night on Brittney's, bless her, shoulder. It was pathetic. This is were Melissa and I buried our dreams of doctor. But we still had ochem the next day, and I hadn't studied ochem since Monday, because I had been studying for the other midterms.
I was too depressed to really study that night, so I went to bed early hoping to wake up and have the urge to study. Bull. I wake up at 9 and go to the library to study, I kinda browse my notes and test from before, but I cannot focus. So, I go out to get lunch at 11:30, and reside to giving up studying. I then go to the music room and bang on the piano until 3:00 where I quickly go off to my final and get ready for ultimate failure. I take the test and I was positive I failed. I didn't know any of the reactions or synthesis problems, I was confident in my failure. I was so confident in my failure I internally decided to get SMASHED that night, hoping I could feel better about the scenario. I did not feel better. It was a horrible night involving throwing up and lights and dehydration and badness. I will save the reader the details because I know my mom reads these, and I have a feeling she would not want to know about what happened here. But, I am alive. I think. Hopefully I am not in coma or anything at the hospital, and this is all an elaborate dream. Crap. Either way I wake up on Melissa's couch because my friends had to take care of the overly drunk ass, again my friends are beyond wonderful people and I do not know why they put up with the shit do as much as they do. We get food and I take my hungover ass home and I proceed to get the house ready for my leaving and flying home to Maryland the next day. So, during this hungover time I say, hey, why don't I check out my ochem grade, I am hungover and do not think I could feel much worse. I look, and find I got an 70%, which is like an A in ochem world, raising my C- grade to a B. Have you ever been so excited you threw up. Well it almost happened to me. I was so sure of my failure and had nearly died for that. It made me stoked that I was wrong.
The rest of the day was spent trying to assemble the rest of my things. The one thing I could not recover was my wallet. With me leaving for the airport the following morning I proceeded to freak out. I called the airport and they told me I can do a screening test, where the ask me questions only I would know, and make sure I am not some terrorist. I do spread terror, but not like that people. So, I spend 30 mintues getting interrogated and being embarrassed that I do not know my parents birthday or how old they are. The airport security people thought I was funny while I tried to stumble deep in my memory to try and prove some form of identity. They let me go and thus I am now here. At the airport at 8:00, waiting for my 9:45 flight :(. I always get here absurdly early. I had successful killed about an hour though, so I am getting a cinnabon to celebrate. Peace bloggers.
Finals are finally over for spring quarter. Fuck yes. It was a really, really, really, really stressful and difficult quarter. Emotions were running loose and wild on the streets and crying was done. That's right folks I cried. It was right after my second ochem midterm.....wait, a back-story needs to be done here. Ochem is a bitch, but I did fairly well last quarter pulling off a B. I worked really hard and earned that fucking B. So, this quarter I though the same thing would occur, I would work really hard and scrape a B. It kinda happened like that. Kinda. First midterm rolls around, I study a descent amount and I get a 52/100...granted the average was a 59, but still, I got essentially a C. Not a good start. So, I study super hard, I mean I spent weeks studying without studying for my other classes, bathing, or eating. I finally take the test, and I thought it went pretty well. My friends think the test was a nightmare, but I ignored their raining on my parade because I had studied. You cannot fail if you studied. WRONG. I get my grade back, i got a 26/100. I am not even fucking kidding. A 26 out of 100. The average was a 41. I had successfully proven that studying does NOTHING. I was super emo for a couple days. I didn't leave my house, I drew some pretty pictures, it was like a perpetual pool of emoness was filling up my house. So, I did what I always do when I fail. I pretend it never happened. I start leaving the house, stopped studying super hard, and just having fun with friends. I lived this feckless lifestyle for about 2 weeks, before finals week craned it's neck to look at me with it's soulless eyes. Finals were a week away and my freak out began. I study feverishness for all my classes, ochem included. I was a study machine. I studied at the 24 hour study center for much more than 24 hours. I read my books front to back. My first final was Tuesday, and it was art history. I gave a half assed effort to read the chapter and go over important artist that were in Italy in the 15th century and pretended I actually cared about these funny looking portraits of who cares what. I wrote my essay quickly and skillfully, filling the entire 32 page booklet with my intelligent thoughts and sheer awesomeness. I had done well on the midterms and wrote a BEAST paper on Donatello's David (for which I translated over 30 pages of Italian), so I was not too worried.
Then it was onto genetics. I really do not care for genetics, but I do not care for failing. I had done well on the first one, bombed my second due to over-studying for ochem, so I felt the urge to do well. I studied with Melissa, and we both felt we understood the material. This is simple proof God either hates me, or loves to watch me suffer. That test was as if hell had spurred out through paper and DNA. It was disgusting. Every single person that walked out of that room had their living souls sucked out from them. Melissa and I cried that night on Brittney's, bless her, shoulder. It was pathetic. This is were Melissa and I buried our dreams of doctor. But we still had ochem the next day, and I hadn't studied ochem since Monday, because I had been studying for the other midterms.
I was too depressed to really study that night, so I went to bed early hoping to wake up and have the urge to study. Bull. I wake up at 9 and go to the library to study, I kinda browse my notes and test from before, but I cannot focus. So, I go out to get lunch at 11:30, and reside to giving up studying. I then go to the music room and bang on the piano until 3:00 where I quickly go off to my final and get ready for ultimate failure. I take the test and I was positive I failed. I didn't know any of the reactions or synthesis problems, I was confident in my failure. I was so confident in my failure I internally decided to get SMASHED that night, hoping I could feel better about the scenario. I did not feel better. It was a horrible night involving throwing up and lights and dehydration and badness. I will save the reader the details because I know my mom reads these, and I have a feeling she would not want to know about what happened here. But, I am alive. I think. Hopefully I am not in coma or anything at the hospital, and this is all an elaborate dream. Crap. Either way I wake up on Melissa's couch because my friends had to take care of the overly drunk ass, again my friends are beyond wonderful people and I do not know why they put up with the shit do as much as they do. We get food and I take my hungover ass home and I proceed to get the house ready for my leaving and flying home to Maryland the next day. So, during this hungover time I say, hey, why don't I check out my ochem grade, I am hungover and do not think I could feel much worse. I look, and find I got an 70%, which is like an A in ochem world, raising my C- grade to a B. Have you ever been so excited you threw up. Well it almost happened to me. I was so sure of my failure and had nearly died for that. It made me stoked that I was wrong.
The rest of the day was spent trying to assemble the rest of my things. The one thing I could not recover was my wallet. With me leaving for the airport the following morning I proceeded to freak out. I called the airport and they told me I can do a screening test, where the ask me questions only I would know, and make sure I am not some terrorist. I do spread terror, but not like that people. So, I spend 30 mintues getting interrogated and being embarrassed that I do not know my parents birthday or how old they are. The airport security people thought I was funny while I tried to stumble deep in my memory to try and prove some form of identity. They let me go and thus I am now here. At the airport at 8:00, waiting for my 9:45 flight :(. I always get here absurdly early. I had successful killed about an hour though, so I am getting a cinnabon to celebrate. Peace bloggers.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
the usually typical
I haven't updated this thing in forever, but I have some free time right now, and nothing better to do and thought I would kill some time with an update.
Well, it has been a while since I've actually looked at this thing. I believe it was beginning of the summer, so almost a year, jesus I am old. Some quick updates: dropped the ANS major (still not official, but it is definitely happening) and am looking into either Animal Biology (which is far more politician than I would have liked in my major) or Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavioral Science (NPB). I am currently leaning towards NPB, but I haven't taken a course in it yet, so I am going to take NPB 101 in the fall to see if I like it. I will also be adding my double major in studio art after this quarter because I finally took my two upper division course (two senior level art history courses) in order to add the double major, so that is all set up for fall quarter. Then I can start taking my basic art classes and work on my double major and getting out of here in 4 years. yay!
I've also started doing research in med schools. I haven't entirely given up on being a vet since i have never really gotten hands on experience in the emergency vet field; but, I am also opening up my options to med school. Right now I really want to go to med school at New York School of Medicine (I know). That means my measly 3.0 gpa needs to get inflated to a 3.4-3.7 ish. Shooting for New York has really given the motivation I've needed to start doing better in school. I was really struggling fall quarter where I got a C in ochem and I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do anymore, but ever since I started shooting for New York my grades have been improving. I just need to keep focused. Unfortunately, I am the kin of person whose determination often blinds them. I did this in high school too. I got so focused on colleges my social life suffered consequently, and ultimately stunted my social maturity. I had been improving since I started college, but it appears that I've fallen back into the same pattern. Can a person really unlearn their habits? I can't help but wonder how much is built in them. But, that just me getting too deep. Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I learned about myself freshman year, and I made the point to really work on certain traits that I didn't like, and some of them did stick; however, other did not.
I am very good at pushing people away. Surface relationships seem to be the best I can achieve. I made some real progress freshman year making really close friends who understood me, but I pushed those people away. FAR AWAY. I am back to where I started, essentially, with surface relationships. Even though I have regressed in that area, I have become alot more comfortable with myself and that has had a very positive impact on my friends. It helps me understand other people and their problems, and gives me the ability to talk to them and see their problems through their eyes. That has always been a strong point of mine, but I have recently gotten very good at it. Maybe I should go into psychology or something, hahhahaha. This all makes me sound so pretentious, but in all honesty I feel like I deal with alot of my friends problems, and I really don't have a problem with that or anything, in fact I enjoy it to some degree, but it makes it difficult when you can see everyone else and no one really bothers to look at you. I am not sure that came out they way I wanted, but I don't think I am going to change it. hahahah this sounds so damn emo, but it is really how i feel alot of the time, even though I am pretty sure it is not true at all.
Ask anyone in my family, I am a pretty transparent person. I let you know how I feel all the time, without a filter, I have the WORST poker face (and yet I am not awful at poker), and it is not really difficult to sense how I am feeling (most likely because I told you). And yet, I feel like nobody (ok, lie. one person DID) really understands me as a person. Sounds pathetic actually. But that's the way it feels. It feels like I am always listening and never talking about my problems, which is why I guess I find the need to vent with this bloody thing. And the one person who was actually intrested in me as a person, I pushed away. FAIL.
Nothing I can do about it really now. It is probably best if I just take up this pent-up frustration and channel it into being super busy all the time. hahhaa, that is another strong point of mine. I can always find a way to get really really busy. So busy that I don't have to deal with my own emotions. That god for that quality.
Enough of this emotional shit that has no particular value to my life as a whole. I am kinda excited for summer? When I get back, on the 12th of frekaing June, my folks planned us flying out on a family vacation to England and Ireland. I am super stoked. I have never been abroad, so I am really looking forward to go exploring in a different country. I have always been a fan of culture shock, and always been interested in that sort of stuff. We will be in each country a week, then I come back and either go to work at APL for summer (I hear if they accepted my research submission at the end of the month) orrr I do nothing and wait to go back school a month later. If I am going back to school, I will prob bring my car out and make a road trip out of it. I want to go across the country, see whats really in America. I am planning to go up and visit my Aunt Joanna in Minnesota, but the trip isn't definite yet, so I don't want to tell her just yet. AH! And she is currently pregnant with twins. Freaking awesome. I am going to have twin cousins. So excited. i am also really excited to see Ben, and hopefully be there for his birthday? I am not sure if I will be there for that, but it would be great to see him. I freaking love kids. I really want my own, but I am like 19 and planning on going to grad school, so that isn't going to happen for a while. ugh. I want 3 kids right now (it changes alot) it doesn't really matter what sex they are, as long as they aren't all the same. I would want either 2 girls and 1 boy or, more preferably, 2 boys and a girl. I have no idea why I want kids so freaking bad, especially when I know I am probably the last one of the Hackett trio that is going to reproduce. James is going to be the first because he is also likes kids and doesn't want them. Therefore, he is going to have them first. Then Kate, because she is already out of college, and has a much better of chance of having kids sooner than I do. I am going to be in school forever, and probably going to end up in a lifestyle where having kids would be an inconvenience, knowing my personality and all. So yea. I really want kids. But, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a spouse. I'd pull off the single parent routine. Again, another reason I am not having kids for a while, I may love kids, but I can't seem to hold a real relationship for longer than two weeks. Thats right. My currently record for a relationship is two freaking weeks. Bleh.
Thats my mother's worst fear for me I think. She really doesn't want me to end up alone forever, only having these surface relationships. Mom and I had a lengthy conversation about it. She thinks I am going to end up in an apartment for the rest of my life living alone. She is probably right. Note: I HATE living alone. I am living alone this year in an apartment far off campus and it sucks. It is great for when I need to study, like this weekend, or when I need to be a bitch for a day and seclude myself away to keep from damaging others. But seriously. I am not the kind of person that can live without having other people around. Just someone around who I can talk to when I am bored and keep my entertained on a general level. Last year I had a really close group of friends who I basically lived with because I was over at their place ALL THE TIME. This year it is almost like I've quarantined myself and surgically removed that kind of relationship out of my life. it sucks. alot. I get bored, and have nothing to do which leads to dangerous activities, such as thinking. Like if I had someone with me here right now, I wouldn't have to be blogging, I could just be watching a movie with a friend or something. But alas. I am tired of this. I am going to bed.
In conclusion the currently update in my life is this: i am usually typical.
Well, it has been a while since I've actually looked at this thing. I believe it was beginning of the summer, so almost a year, jesus I am old. Some quick updates: dropped the ANS major (still not official, but it is definitely happening) and am looking into either Animal Biology (which is far more politician than I would have liked in my major) or Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavioral Science (NPB). I am currently leaning towards NPB, but I haven't taken a course in it yet, so I am going to take NPB 101 in the fall to see if I like it. I will also be adding my double major in studio art after this quarter because I finally took my two upper division course (two senior level art history courses) in order to add the double major, so that is all set up for fall quarter. Then I can start taking my basic art classes and work on my double major and getting out of here in 4 years. yay!
I've also started doing research in med schools. I haven't entirely given up on being a vet since i have never really gotten hands on experience in the emergency vet field; but, I am also opening up my options to med school. Right now I really want to go to med school at New York School of Medicine (I know). That means my measly 3.0 gpa needs to get inflated to a 3.4-3.7 ish. Shooting for New York has really given the motivation I've needed to start doing better in school. I was really struggling fall quarter where I got a C in ochem and I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do anymore, but ever since I started shooting for New York my grades have been improving. I just need to keep focused. Unfortunately, I am the kin of person whose determination often blinds them. I did this in high school too. I got so focused on colleges my social life suffered consequently, and ultimately stunted my social maturity. I had been improving since I started college, but it appears that I've fallen back into the same pattern. Can a person really unlearn their habits? I can't help but wonder how much is built in them. But, that just me getting too deep. Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I learned about myself freshman year, and I made the point to really work on certain traits that I didn't like, and some of them did stick; however, other did not.
I am very good at pushing people away. Surface relationships seem to be the best I can achieve. I made some real progress freshman year making really close friends who understood me, but I pushed those people away. FAR AWAY. I am back to where I started, essentially, with surface relationships. Even though I have regressed in that area, I have become alot more comfortable with myself and that has had a very positive impact on my friends. It helps me understand other people and their problems, and gives me the ability to talk to them and see their problems through their eyes. That has always been a strong point of mine, but I have recently gotten very good at it. Maybe I should go into psychology or something, hahhahaha. This all makes me sound so pretentious, but in all honesty I feel like I deal with alot of my friends problems, and I really don't have a problem with that or anything, in fact I enjoy it to some degree, but it makes it difficult when you can see everyone else and no one really bothers to look at you. I am not sure that came out they way I wanted, but I don't think I am going to change it. hahahah this sounds so damn emo, but it is really how i feel alot of the time, even though I am pretty sure it is not true at all.
Ask anyone in my family, I am a pretty transparent person. I let you know how I feel all the time, without a filter, I have the WORST poker face (and yet I am not awful at poker), and it is not really difficult to sense how I am feeling (most likely because I told you). And yet, I feel like nobody (ok, lie. one person DID) really understands me as a person. Sounds pathetic actually. But that's the way it feels. It feels like I am always listening and never talking about my problems, which is why I guess I find the need to vent with this bloody thing. And the one person who was actually intrested in me as a person, I pushed away. FAIL.
Nothing I can do about it really now. It is probably best if I just take up this pent-up frustration and channel it into being super busy all the time. hahhaa, that is another strong point of mine. I can always find a way to get really really busy. So busy that I don't have to deal with my own emotions. That god for that quality.
Enough of this emotional shit that has no particular value to my life as a whole. I am kinda excited for summer? When I get back, on the 12th of frekaing June, my folks planned us flying out on a family vacation to England and Ireland. I am super stoked. I have never been abroad, so I am really looking forward to go exploring in a different country. I have always been a fan of culture shock, and always been interested in that sort of stuff. We will be in each country a week, then I come back and either go to work at APL for summer (I hear if they accepted my research submission at the end of the month) orrr I do nothing and wait to go back school a month later. If I am going back to school, I will prob bring my car out and make a road trip out of it. I want to go across the country, see whats really in America. I am planning to go up and visit my Aunt Joanna in Minnesota, but the trip isn't definite yet, so I don't want to tell her just yet. AH! And she is currently pregnant with twins. Freaking awesome. I am going to have twin cousins. So excited. i am also really excited to see Ben, and hopefully be there for his birthday? I am not sure if I will be there for that, but it would be great to see him. I freaking love kids. I really want my own, but I am like 19 and planning on going to grad school, so that isn't going to happen for a while. ugh. I want 3 kids right now (it changes alot) it doesn't really matter what sex they are, as long as they aren't all the same. I would want either 2 girls and 1 boy or, more preferably, 2 boys and a girl. I have no idea why I want kids so freaking bad, especially when I know I am probably the last one of the Hackett trio that is going to reproduce. James is going to be the first because he is also likes kids and doesn't want them. Therefore, he is going to have them first. Then Kate, because she is already out of college, and has a much better of chance of having kids sooner than I do. I am going to be in school forever, and probably going to end up in a lifestyle where having kids would be an inconvenience, knowing my personality and all. So yea. I really want kids. But, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a spouse. I'd pull off the single parent routine. Again, another reason I am not having kids for a while, I may love kids, but I can't seem to hold a real relationship for longer than two weeks. Thats right. My currently record for a relationship is two freaking weeks. Bleh.
Thats my mother's worst fear for me I think. She really doesn't want me to end up alone forever, only having these surface relationships. Mom and I had a lengthy conversation about it. She thinks I am going to end up in an apartment for the rest of my life living alone. She is probably right. Note: I HATE living alone. I am living alone this year in an apartment far off campus and it sucks. It is great for when I need to study, like this weekend, or when I need to be a bitch for a day and seclude myself away to keep from damaging others. But seriously. I am not the kind of person that can live without having other people around. Just someone around who I can talk to when I am bored and keep my entertained on a general level. Last year I had a really close group of friends who I basically lived with because I was over at their place ALL THE TIME. This year it is almost like I've quarantined myself and surgically removed that kind of relationship out of my life. it sucks. alot. I get bored, and have nothing to do which leads to dangerous activities, such as thinking. Like if I had someone with me here right now, I wouldn't have to be blogging, I could just be watching a movie with a friend or something. But alas. I am tired of this. I am going to bed.
In conclusion the currently update in my life is this: i am usually typical.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Bored and Hella Cranky
So, I know its been a while, but I have absolutely nothing better to do. I am still unemployed, and bored through out the day, and am currently watching other people's home.One of these homes is the McDonalds. They went to the beach for 2 weeks, except Kendrick had to come back a week early for swimming. He is upstairs in the house I am watching. Awkward. Whatever, I am driving him to practice in like an hour and a half, so I suppose it will only be awkward for a semi-short period of time. I think its mostly awkward because I kinda live here, and all my stuff is here, and scattered about, and I haven't cleaned up yet, cause I still live here. enh.
Being unemployed sucks. I thought I would have a nice job when I got here, but the pool was like "I don't know when the next training session is, or if we are having one at all." Kill me. So now I am waiting to hear from Dr.McCrary for Johns Hopkins APL. I would love to work there. Doing actual research in the actual field and being paid to do it. How rocking awesome would that be.
mmmmmm...need to kill more time. I guess I can kill alot of time talking about swimming. SOoo I'll be coaching next year AND swimming. huzzah? It was difficult to think about, but I have reconciled my feelings about it all, and decided to get back into the game. Then I decided that if I am getting back in the game, I am going to be shooting high. Junior Nationals. It is a doable goal, and it would be nice to say that I actually went.
side note- to make the situation more awkward-Cameron is here as well, which isn't a problem, cause he's an ok kid, but he makes me feel both old and awkward. Worst part of this fact all together, though, is that he is down stairs, Kendirck is upstairs, and I am just killing time, writing in my blog, in the living room. AWKWARD. whatever. I've been too tired to uphold social grace. side note over
Although, speaking about being cranky, I have been a pill lately. I don't know why exactly, but I have been a real bitch. I think it is a combination of being unemployed and not being in CA. I miss CA. Not the heat so much, but the sun, the friends, and the random adventures I would go on, like every weekend. BUT BUT BUT, speaking of random adventures, I UBER excited for my trip to NYC with my girl Hope this weekend. SO excited. We are going to have a blast. But, overall I am ready to get out of here. I miss my Jew, my hippie, my conservative dope, my cowgirl, and the lax bro. :( I don't like getting attached to people, and I didn't actually think I ever would. But, I suppose there are some people that just sink their way in. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people here who are really important to me. Kendrick may be socially immature sometimes, but he (and his family) have helped me realize that not only am I a push over, but I am also a good person, whether or not I want people to think otherwise. Then there is Kim too. She has always been there for me, and I love her to death. She really just gets me, and no matter how much I ever try to front with her, she can always see right through the smoke and mirrors. She keeps me in check, and I am there for her whenever she needs me. Basically, I won't be sitting next to her in jail, but I will bail her out if she calls.
That would explain why I acted the way I did when I first went to Davis. In Maryland, I am a pushover, and a generally nice guy (except for when I am cranky, which is often) (all of which was a bit of a front, by the way). So I wanted to change that and become someone you can't walk all over. It was easy enough, for a while. Then I got REAL friends. Friends who you end up in jail with. Unfortunately, the surface stuff doesn't really cut it. So, I had to show them my "real" self. Problem with that is that I really don't know who precisely that is. SO, I do believe I am stuck. Stuck somewhere in between wanting to be able to show myself to my friends, but not really knowing where to start. Still bored, and have another hour (or so) of social awkwardness. Guess I should keep venting :/
uhhhhhhh. I don't even know what to really write about. Just being bored. Listening to Demi Lovato (shut-up). I guess I could write about my future academically. I know I am talking animal science 41, and then most likely switching my major after that. After animal science 2, I am fairly sure that animal science is not for me. I hated that class with a passion. The idea of understanding the animal system, and hormones, simply to utilize it for our own beneficial gain.....not something I really want a part of. So, I am going to take Wildlife and Fish conservation biology 50, where I get to see if I really like that major. If I do, I will switch, and that will be the end of it. Then I will apply to vet school in exotic animals, and become a famous world famous vet and travel across the planet. end. Mother doens't really approve of this plan. She wants me to find a job in animal science small vet stuff. It is practical career, and I have been looking at it all my life. I don't think she was ready for me to give up such a stable dream. She has warmed up to the idea, but she is still rather uncomfortable with me switching to a little more unstable career....still bored.
BUT! I have killed another half an hour (mostly due to skypeing sharyn (THANK YOU SHARYN)).......murrr i think im just about done here. I have done all the damage I can possibly do via blogging. I think I will try to skype it up more, and if that doesnt work, I'll just come back here.
cheers
Being unemployed sucks. I thought I would have a nice job when I got here, but the pool was like "I don't know when the next training session is, or if we are having one at all." Kill me. So now I am waiting to hear from Dr.McCrary for Johns Hopkins APL. I would love to work there. Doing actual research in the actual field and being paid to do it. How rocking awesome would that be.
mmmmmm...need to kill more time. I guess I can kill alot of time talking about swimming. SOoo I'll be coaching next year AND swimming. huzzah? It was difficult to think about, but I have reconciled my feelings about it all, and decided to get back into the game. Then I decided that if I am getting back in the game, I am going to be shooting high. Junior Nationals. It is a doable goal, and it would be nice to say that I actually went.
side note- to make the situation more awkward-Cameron is here as well, which isn't a problem, cause he's an ok kid, but he makes me feel both old and awkward. Worst part of this fact all together, though, is that he is down stairs, Kendirck is upstairs, and I am just killing time, writing in my blog, in the living room. AWKWARD. whatever. I've been too tired to uphold social grace. side note over
Although, speaking about being cranky, I have been a pill lately. I don't know why exactly, but I have been a real bitch. I think it is a combination of being unemployed and not being in CA. I miss CA. Not the heat so much, but the sun, the friends, and the random adventures I would go on, like every weekend. BUT BUT BUT, speaking of random adventures, I UBER excited for my trip to NYC with my girl Hope this weekend. SO excited. We are going to have a blast. But, overall I am ready to get out of here. I miss my Jew, my hippie, my conservative dope, my cowgirl, and the lax bro. :( I don't like getting attached to people, and I didn't actually think I ever would. But, I suppose there are some people that just sink their way in. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people here who are really important to me. Kendrick may be socially immature sometimes, but he (and his family) have helped me realize that not only am I a push over, but I am also a good person, whether or not I want people to think otherwise. Then there is Kim too. She has always been there for me, and I love her to death. She really just gets me, and no matter how much I ever try to front with her, she can always see right through the smoke and mirrors. She keeps me in check, and I am there for her whenever she needs me. Basically, I won't be sitting next to her in jail, but I will bail her out if she calls.
That would explain why I acted the way I did when I first went to Davis. In Maryland, I am a pushover, and a generally nice guy (except for when I am cranky, which is often) (all of which was a bit of a front, by the way). So I wanted to change that and become someone you can't walk all over. It was easy enough, for a while. Then I got REAL friends. Friends who you end up in jail with. Unfortunately, the surface stuff doesn't really cut it. So, I had to show them my "real" self. Problem with that is that I really don't know who precisely that is. SO, I do believe I am stuck. Stuck somewhere in between wanting to be able to show myself to my friends, but not really knowing where to start. Still bored, and have another hour (or so) of social awkwardness. Guess I should keep venting :/
uhhhhhhh. I don't even know what to really write about. Just being bored. Listening to Demi Lovato (shut-up). I guess I could write about my future academically. I know I am talking animal science 41, and then most likely switching my major after that. After animal science 2, I am fairly sure that animal science is not for me. I hated that class with a passion. The idea of understanding the animal system, and hormones, simply to utilize it for our own beneficial gain.....not something I really want a part of. So, I am going to take Wildlife and Fish conservation biology 50, where I get to see if I really like that major. If I do, I will switch, and that will be the end of it. Then I will apply to vet school in exotic animals, and become a famous world famous vet and travel across the planet. end. Mother doens't really approve of this plan. She wants me to find a job in animal science small vet stuff. It is practical career, and I have been looking at it all my life. I don't think she was ready for me to give up such a stable dream. She has warmed up to the idea, but she is still rather uncomfortable with me switching to a little more unstable career....still bored.
BUT! I have killed another half an hour (mostly due to skypeing sharyn (THANK YOU SHARYN)).......murrr i think im just about done here. I have done all the damage I can possibly do via blogging. I think I will try to skype it up more, and if that doesnt work, I'll just come back here.
cheers
Monday, April 27, 2009
boreddd
so im currently bored because i have nothing to do tonight. Tuesdays I have no classes, so I will do my homework then. It is Monday night. I am bored. :P. Overall update i suppose would take up enough time to kill some of this boredom. Huzaahhh
So, basically. Classes this quarter are the biggest bitch ever. I get up at 8 and go off to chem, which all and all isnt that bad, in fact it has actually been getting rather interesting recently, it is just that i have no time to really get into it :/. Then, I get breakfast from 10-11. logical. no, but i have never been very logical, which is kinda of weird because my parents and siblings are VERY logically people. Whatever. Then its off to animal science. Let me say this now, I HATE THAT CLASS. We learn about the systems of very particular animals, and then how we can manipulate things in their system to get the most out of them. They are nothing more than a bloody resource! Uhhh. I really hate learning about a certain system for something soooo worthless, in my opinion at least. But its ok. Wildlife and Fish Conservation. Dear Lord I LOVE THAT CLASS. It is like they take the components of animals science, psychology, biology, chemistry, and all the other classes that I love, and put them together. It is freaking amazing. I feel like such a hippie in that class, but whatever. Maybe I am sort of a hippie. What are you going to do about it? :P Then, I get a break for lunch. for an hour. Then its off to bio. Overall the class is ok. I think I am going to get a B in it. Maybe a B plus. Who knows. I got a B on the midterm. Wheee. Since that was the first midterm, I will prob get a B plus in the class. Overall it is a long day. very long. I then go to the gym and try not kill myself.
So yea. Classes right now suck. I will probably get a B plus in chem and bio, then an A in wfc, and then i really am going to pray for a B in animal science. GOD I HATE THAT CLASS. The teacher is also incredibly boring. His voice makes me want to sleep. Or hit him on the head with a broken bottle. One of the two. XP. Perhaps a tad harsh, but it is true. ohh, and mother dear, i am not going to retract that statement for its graphic content :P.
mmmmmmm. Beyond the usually complaining about life, I am ready for summer. I am tired of classes right now :/. Whats worse is that everyone is getting off from school, in like a week or two, and I am stuck here for another month XP. Month and a half really, but who is counting? I will hopefully have a job lined up already when i get home, so i will be getting money :). and I am just ready to go home and see some people (not everyone) and hang out with those kids i was too dumb to hang out with high school. Seriously, I think I spent more time with the kids who were making fun of me behind my back, then with the kids who were actually my friends. :P. Sad really. Well, it was probably because I was such a stereotypical teenager. My god I was trying to fit in all the time! Well, guess what everyone, I have done some growing, and I don't need your bullshit anymore :). True friends, you know who you are, I promise to be a better friend to you guys, and I promise, we will have more fun this summer than you can possible imagine :D. kosher fun people. and no im not jewish, but i like that word :P, thanks for that jenn :).
So in conclusion, people be aware that I am either going to spend more time with you when I get home, or I won't. The people I hang out with/ text/ whatever, are people I want to hang out with. So to all you jerks from high school who made fun of me behind my back, hope it was worth it :P. [ohhh and so i dont confuse certain people these jerks are not kendrick m. (dude you know your boss, i doubt you even thought i am talking about you, but i bet you know who i am talking about), mandy bowers (we are going to nyc or if your stuck in school im coming to visit, end), sharyn e. (i am coming to visit you one weekend, be excited), hope llanso (gurllll we are hittin up some macdawLaldsss), jimmy forest (we are sooo going to qudoba), patrick b. (i miss you :'( where have you gone?), alex dannelly (we NEED to hang out, cause i NEVER see you), allison k. (call me when you get back, i enjoy our chats darling), the one and only rosie m. (in freaking england :P), kelsey smith (love you girl, miss you), prathana v. (girl, one: your name is ridiculous to spell sometimes :P, two: I HAVENT HEARD FROM YOU!! WHERE DID YOU GO!!), kim mangus. (i dont think you made fun of me behind my back :/) and prob a ton of people i missed, but this was just off the top of my head. Sorry if I missed you and you were a really good friend to me in high school, and WE WILL hang out during summer, so dont worry :).] Geez that was long. But! It killed time!
So, basically. Classes this quarter are the biggest bitch ever. I get up at 8 and go off to chem, which all and all isnt that bad, in fact it has actually been getting rather interesting recently, it is just that i have no time to really get into it :/. Then, I get breakfast from 10-11. logical. no, but i have never been very logical, which is kinda of weird because my parents and siblings are VERY logically people. Whatever. Then its off to animal science. Let me say this now, I HATE THAT CLASS. We learn about the systems of very particular animals, and then how we can manipulate things in their system to get the most out of them. They are nothing more than a bloody resource! Uhhh. I really hate learning about a certain system for something soooo worthless, in my opinion at least. But its ok. Wildlife and Fish Conservation. Dear Lord I LOVE THAT CLASS. It is like they take the components of animals science, psychology, biology, chemistry, and all the other classes that I love, and put them together. It is freaking amazing. I feel like such a hippie in that class, but whatever. Maybe I am sort of a hippie. What are you going to do about it? :P Then, I get a break for lunch. for an hour. Then its off to bio. Overall the class is ok. I think I am going to get a B in it. Maybe a B plus. Who knows. I got a B on the midterm. Wheee. Since that was the first midterm, I will prob get a B plus in the class. Overall it is a long day. very long. I then go to the gym and try not kill myself.
So yea. Classes right now suck. I will probably get a B plus in chem and bio, then an A in wfc, and then i really am going to pray for a B in animal science. GOD I HATE THAT CLASS. The teacher is also incredibly boring. His voice makes me want to sleep. Or hit him on the head with a broken bottle. One of the two. XP. Perhaps a tad harsh, but it is true. ohh, and mother dear, i am not going to retract that statement for its graphic content :P.
mmmmmmm. Beyond the usually complaining about life, I am ready for summer. I am tired of classes right now :/. Whats worse is that everyone is getting off from school, in like a week or two, and I am stuck here for another month XP. Month and a half really, but who is counting? I will hopefully have a job lined up already when i get home, so i will be getting money :). and I am just ready to go home and see some people (not everyone) and hang out with those kids i was too dumb to hang out with high school. Seriously, I think I spent more time with the kids who were making fun of me behind my back, then with the kids who were actually my friends. :P. Sad really. Well, it was probably because I was such a stereotypical teenager. My god I was trying to fit in all the time! Well, guess what everyone, I have done some growing, and I don't need your bullshit anymore :). True friends, you know who you are, I promise to be a better friend to you guys, and I promise, we will have more fun this summer than you can possible imagine :D. kosher fun people. and no im not jewish, but i like that word :P, thanks for that jenn :).
So in conclusion, people be aware that I am either going to spend more time with you when I get home, or I won't. The people I hang out with/ text/ whatever, are people I want to hang out with. So to all you jerks from high school who made fun of me behind my back, hope it was worth it :P. [ohhh and so i dont confuse certain people these jerks are not kendrick m. (dude you know your boss, i doubt you even thought i am talking about you, but i bet you know who i am talking about), mandy bowers (we are going to nyc or if your stuck in school im coming to visit, end), sharyn e. (i am coming to visit you one weekend, be excited), hope llanso (gurllll we are hittin up some macdawLaldsss), jimmy forest (we are sooo going to qudoba), patrick b. (i miss you :'( where have you gone?), alex dannelly (we NEED to hang out, cause i NEVER see you), allison k. (call me when you get back, i enjoy our chats darling), the one and only rosie m. (in freaking england :P), kelsey smith (love you girl, miss you), prathana v. (girl, one: your name is ridiculous to spell sometimes :P, two: I HAVENT HEARD FROM YOU!! WHERE DID YOU GO!!), kim mangus. (i dont think you made fun of me behind my back :/) and prob a ton of people i missed, but this was just off the top of my head. Sorry if I missed you and you were a really good friend to me in high school, and WE WILL hang out during summer, so dont worry :).] Geez that was long. But! It killed time!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
thus begins the spring
So, spring is a bitch. I currently cannot sleep, and yet, about three hours ago I could barely function to type up my biology homework. Logical? NO. It was probably the coffee I drank three hours ago, but seriously, I only had one cup, and it was three hours ago. That should not be keeping me up. Wheeee
So, summary of how life has been. Spring break rocked socks. Seriously it rocked so hard, my socks literally were rocked off. That and Candy, Jessie's cat, was chewing on them. For those who do not know, I went to Paso Robles for spring break! Yay! We went to SLO a couple of time, and we went to the beach ALOT! I loved the beach! It was amazing! And I found this cool shell that jessie made a necklace for me, which I will wear as much as possible because it reminds me of that amazing spring break. We also sat out and ate burgers on the beach, and stayed up late watching movies, and went start gazing a couple of times. Over all Paso is beautiful and amazing. OH! AND! there were sealsss!!! On the beach!! :D. It was very exciting to see one! and then we found one on the beach, and I got so close I could have touched it. I didn't, but just knowing I could have made me happy. So yea break was amazing, hands down. AND, i kinda got tan! Exciting? I think so. Well, it was more like sun burned. But it kinda looks like a tan now. And it does not hurt, sooooo, i want to chop that under tan. :D
Then we came back to school. That sentence it self is a menace to society. Uhhhh. I have been back a week, and what a hellish week it has been. My Mondays absolutely suck. I have class from 9 am until 10 pm at night. XP. 8 hours of class on Mondays are awful. I feel like I am done, but then, I'm not. PLUS I got hit by a car this week on Monday. XP. I was biking to go get a package from the post office, and I was on the bike path, and this car decides to turn right without looking, and sends me flying. I was fine, his car was in bad shape. But w/e. It was just icing on a bad day cake. uhhhhh. Tuesdays are nice though. No classes. But, I still have tae kwon do from 6:30-8:30 and that really kicked my butt this week. Seriously I am so sore. Made Wendsday even worse. Wendsday is really long too, and I thought I had tae kwon do at night too, but I dont, so that makes things easier!! We shall see how Thursdays go. It is even more complicated cause I am declaring a double major. That's right people, I am declaring another major! and a specialization. Ready for it? I am going to declare an art major with animal science specialized in marine animals :D:D!! I so excited. I am just getting the paper work approved now, and I have my moms blessing, so all is good!!!
So yea. It has been a busy week. And my mommy and little brother are coming to visit next week!! ahhh!!! im both excited but nervous. Means I have to clean up my room before they get here :/. Wow. I am soooo bored. Coffee is still keeping me up though :S. What to do?!?! God I am going to crash so bad tomorrow.
So, summary of how life has been. Spring break rocked socks. Seriously it rocked so hard, my socks literally were rocked off. That and Candy, Jessie's cat, was chewing on them. For those who do not know, I went to Paso Robles for spring break! Yay! We went to SLO a couple of time, and we went to the beach ALOT! I loved the beach! It was amazing! And I found this cool shell that jessie made a necklace for me, which I will wear as much as possible because it reminds me of that amazing spring break. We also sat out and ate burgers on the beach, and stayed up late watching movies, and went start gazing a couple of times. Over all Paso is beautiful and amazing. OH! AND! there were sealsss!!! On the beach!! :D. It was very exciting to see one! and then we found one on the beach, and I got so close I could have touched it. I didn't, but just knowing I could have made me happy. So yea break was amazing, hands down. AND, i kinda got tan! Exciting? I think so. Well, it was more like sun burned. But it kinda looks like a tan now. And it does not hurt, sooooo, i want to chop that under tan. :D
Then we came back to school. That sentence it self is a menace to society. Uhhhh. I have been back a week, and what a hellish week it has been. My Mondays absolutely suck. I have class from 9 am until 10 pm at night. XP. 8 hours of class on Mondays are awful. I feel like I am done, but then, I'm not. PLUS I got hit by a car this week on Monday. XP. I was biking to go get a package from the post office, and I was on the bike path, and this car decides to turn right without looking, and sends me flying. I was fine, his car was in bad shape. But w/e. It was just icing on a bad day cake. uhhhhh. Tuesdays are nice though. No classes. But, I still have tae kwon do from 6:30-8:30 and that really kicked my butt this week. Seriously I am so sore. Made Wendsday even worse. Wendsday is really long too, and I thought I had tae kwon do at night too, but I dont, so that makes things easier!! We shall see how Thursdays go. It is even more complicated cause I am declaring a double major. That's right people, I am declaring another major! and a specialization. Ready for it? I am going to declare an art major with animal science specialized in marine animals :D:D!! I so excited. I am just getting the paper work approved now, and I have my moms blessing, so all is good!!!
So yea. It has been a busy week. And my mommy and little brother are coming to visit next week!! ahhh!!! im both excited but nervous. Means I have to clean up my room before they get here :/. Wow. I am soooo bored. Coffee is still keeping me up though :S. What to do?!?! God I am going to crash so bad tomorrow.
Friday, March 6, 2009
WOW
Haven't updated this thing in a while. To be honest I have been avoiding it a little. I am terrified of going back into emo mode, after my last post (it got hastily withdrawn). It was basically an emo rant, that is all you need to know.
I am on call tonight.
There are problems among friends, and it is my job to stand by with a box of tissues, and a consolidating nod here and there. But, I know my role this time. People do not want to hear solutions to their problems. Not tonight. Tonight, they just want to attack until there is nothing left to attack. So, here I am. Ready to pick up the pieces.
Of course, the details are vague. It might even happen tonight. I might not even be needed. But I will be here, just in case. Pathetic. Perhaps.
Well, to fill everyone in on the details of my life, i suppose I should get started. Not much has changed since winter break. I now like who I am, I am not ashamed of who I was, and I am proud of the progression I made from what I was to what I am. Of course, this is only a small step, and I am sure I will have many more as I get older. But for now, my life is stable. That is all I can ask for.
Other than that, there are the little things. Classes are going, well, somewhat smoothly. Math sucks, of course. If I work my butt off I can get a B, so I will probably end up with a C or a B-. Yay! Chem is going surprisingly well. I might even get an A. Yay! English is really easy. But, as much as I loath how easy it is, I actually kind of enjoy it. I enjoying sitting, getting ready to write, and not have to worry about being wrong. I just figure out what the author is saying, and figure out what I want to say with it, and start writing, with no inabitions. Anywho. I just had really long chat with a new friend who goes to UCD and is from HoCo MD!!!!! Seriously amazing! And she is not some creepy weirdo!!!! yes!! I cannot wait to meet her in person at chipotle on Thurday!! uber excited!
I am on call tonight.
There are problems among friends, and it is my job to stand by with a box of tissues, and a consolidating nod here and there. But, I know my role this time. People do not want to hear solutions to their problems. Not tonight. Tonight, they just want to attack until there is nothing left to attack. So, here I am. Ready to pick up the pieces.
Of course, the details are vague. It might even happen tonight. I might not even be needed. But I will be here, just in case. Pathetic. Perhaps.
Well, to fill everyone in on the details of my life, i suppose I should get started. Not much has changed since winter break. I now like who I am, I am not ashamed of who I was, and I am proud of the progression I made from what I was to what I am. Of course, this is only a small step, and I am sure I will have many more as I get older. But for now, my life is stable. That is all I can ask for.
Other than that, there are the little things. Classes are going, well, somewhat smoothly. Math sucks, of course. If I work my butt off I can get a B, so I will probably end up with a C or a B-. Yay! Chem is going surprisingly well. I might even get an A. Yay! English is really easy. But, as much as I loath how easy it is, I actually kind of enjoy it. I enjoying sitting, getting ready to write, and not have to worry about being wrong. I just figure out what the author is saying, and figure out what I want to say with it, and start writing, with no inabitions. Anywho. I just had really long chat with a new friend who goes to UCD and is from HoCo MD!!!!! Seriously amazing! And she is not some creepy weirdo!!!! yes!! I cannot wait to meet her in person at chipotle on Thurday!! uber excited!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Been a while
Sooo, I haven't been very studious with this thing......whoops. Oh well. I guess I should give some update.....where to start
I guess we should start by saying that Doug is amazing, and I am sad the second season is not on itunes. Also should mention, Chalky, is amazing, and his last name is studebaker, and he is amazing *swoon*. Yea, basically, how this came to be, is Jenn and I found something we both love while Jessie and Evan are off in San Fran for the weekend. We knew we would be hanging out alot, so we needed a bonding factor, and we found it.
Ummmm, got a haircut today, nothing crazy, just a trim ;). Oh yea! well, like I said I stopped water polo, fun sport, just not for me, and I started tae kwon do last week. It is freaking intense! It is nothing like the tae kwon do back home, mostly cause what I was doing was a different style, karate, where tae kwon do straight up is totally different. Its all cardio, and focused on sparring. Alot focused on sparring. Intense though. I remember doing these slidey things, where we had to slide our feet in and out, and my feet kept skidding against the mat, and my feet started bleeding, and everyone was all, oh yea that happens. Then I had to kick like non stop for the rest of the class, my legs were soooo sore on Tues., and Thursday, but not as much, cause I had gotten used to it already mostly. In freaking tense!!! But my kicks are getting really fast and strong, so thats a plus.....i have just been slacking at the gym because tae kwon do is such a good work out right now :D.
Broke my window last night.......explanation? I really dont have one. I was reading with my feet pressed up against the window, and I am all curled up in my happy place reading, and then my feet go straight through the window. Fun shit. Then the maintenance guys come and board it up, and as they are staring at the broken glass on the ground, one of the guys says "Shit that is thick stuff, mustve hit it hard to bust it like that." ......i didn't kick it!!! I was all curled up reading, and then smash!!! my freaking window broke!! ughghgh. So I had to wait for the maintenance people to get their head on straight and board it up. But, my bed is all in front of the window, so they asked me to board it up, and screw the wood in, and hammer out the metal poking out on the other side........so i basically could've done it myself, i just needed the materials. Rawr. So Jenn came over, cause i was a little reluctant leaving my room with a wooden board for a window, and we order chinese and watched doug. I was a good night. I also ordered like 6 books from amazon for a total of 10 bucks, not including shipping, it was like 20 with shipping XP. But still, thats really good. I am super excited for them to come! Mostly because I ran out of things to read. I have become a reading machine lately. I can read about 150 pages in about an hour now......which means I can usually get through a descent sized book in about 3 days or so. Whatever!
Oh Oh OH!!!!!! im uber excited about this one!
I put a deposit on an apartment!! a studio apartment!!! yay!!!! I get an entire studio apartment!!!! there is like soo much room! and it is in such a nice place!!! It is kinda far away from the school, but it is kind of perfect cause there arnt that many people there, and its right next to a grocery store, so i dont NEED my car to do food shopping, its basically perfect. But I still applied for barn residency, mostly cause its free room and bored, for two years. You would have to be a stupid mother trucker to pass that kind of stuff up. Seriously.
That is basically it......nothing too crazy, Jessie and I got into a fight, but it ended quickly. Whatever! I really should get some laundry done, fill out some apartment papers, and then do some post lab.......no me gusta......
I guess we should start by saying that Doug is amazing, and I am sad the second season is not on itunes. Also should mention, Chalky, is amazing, and his last name is studebaker, and he is amazing *swoon*. Yea, basically, how this came to be, is Jenn and I found something we both love while Jessie and Evan are off in San Fran for the weekend. We knew we would be hanging out alot, so we needed a bonding factor, and we found it.
Ummmm, got a haircut today, nothing crazy, just a trim ;). Oh yea! well, like I said I stopped water polo, fun sport, just not for me, and I started tae kwon do last week. It is freaking intense! It is nothing like the tae kwon do back home, mostly cause what I was doing was a different style, karate, where tae kwon do straight up is totally different. Its all cardio, and focused on sparring. Alot focused on sparring. Intense though. I remember doing these slidey things, where we had to slide our feet in and out, and my feet kept skidding against the mat, and my feet started bleeding, and everyone was all, oh yea that happens. Then I had to kick like non stop for the rest of the class, my legs were soooo sore on Tues., and Thursday, but not as much, cause I had gotten used to it already mostly. In freaking tense!!! But my kicks are getting really fast and strong, so thats a plus.....i have just been slacking at the gym because tae kwon do is such a good work out right now :D.
Broke my window last night.......explanation? I really dont have one. I was reading with my feet pressed up against the window, and I am all curled up in my happy place reading, and then my feet go straight through the window. Fun shit. Then the maintenance guys come and board it up, and as they are staring at the broken glass on the ground, one of the guys says "Shit that is thick stuff, mustve hit it hard to bust it like that." ......i didn't kick it!!! I was all curled up reading, and then smash!!! my freaking window broke!! ughghgh. So I had to wait for the maintenance people to get their head on straight and board it up. But, my bed is all in front of the window, so they asked me to board it up, and screw the wood in, and hammer out the metal poking out on the other side........so i basically could've done it myself, i just needed the materials. Rawr. So Jenn came over, cause i was a little reluctant leaving my room with a wooden board for a window, and we order chinese and watched doug. I was a good night. I also ordered like 6 books from amazon for a total of 10 bucks, not including shipping, it was like 20 with shipping XP. But still, thats really good. I am super excited for them to come! Mostly because I ran out of things to read. I have become a reading machine lately. I can read about 150 pages in about an hour now......which means I can usually get through a descent sized book in about 3 days or so. Whatever!
Oh Oh OH!!!!!! im uber excited about this one!
I put a deposit on an apartment!! a studio apartment!!! yay!!!! I get an entire studio apartment!!!! there is like soo much room! and it is in such a nice place!!! It is kinda far away from the school, but it is kind of perfect cause there arnt that many people there, and its right next to a grocery store, so i dont NEED my car to do food shopping, its basically perfect. But I still applied for barn residency, mostly cause its free room and bored, for two years. You would have to be a stupid mother trucker to pass that kind of stuff up. Seriously.
That is basically it......nothing too crazy, Jessie and I got into a fight, but it ended quickly. Whatever! I really should get some laundry done, fill out some apartment papers, and then do some post lab.......no me gusta......
Sunday, February 1, 2009
oh my god forgive me who i am not
Sooo i have not updated this thing in about forever in a half, and there is plenty to tell so buckle yourselves in and hold on tight.
Lets see, lets start with, well i have no idea where to start. I guess we should start with that Ive stopped water polo. Its a fun game, and if had been playing longer and didn't suck as hard as i do, i might have stayed with it. It was simply that i was soo bad, and i felt bad for making my poor team suck even worse then they do already. Basically. But, jessie and i have been going to the gym everyday, so there isn't going to be an issue of me getting fat. I don't plan on it anyway. Then, there are midterms, and how much they suck. I just took all of my midterms, two last week, one the week before, and my GOD they sucked so freaking hard. I got a C on Avian Science= fail, then i am pretty sure i did poorly on my chem and math midterms cause they were much more difficult than i thought they were going to be. Wheee, fun! but but but, English class is amazingly easy! of course this is just workload, so there is not much to be stoked on.....but still the dumb asses in that class make me feel about 200% better about my writing abilities. I love getting As on my paper, makes me feel smart. but other than that i just can not wait to be finished with math and chemistry, i hate them both sooo much. rawr. so yea.
i am thinking of switching my major to wild life dealing with exotic animals. I like wild animals more than goats and cows. Don't get me wrong, love goats, butttttt, i really want to travel to somewhere like the Arctic and study walruses or polar bears or wolves! that would be amazing. wild life vet? idk. I guess i will stay on the animal science vet track for a while, but, i have a nice fall back dream. It is really thanks to jessie, who is kinda mad at me right now, i should probably elaborate.
Soooo, today was pretty normal day. Chillin with Jenn and Jess ( at this point i will call the combined unit Jesn) after i worked out with Jess. All was hunky dory and then we went to Starbucks with Evan and Leah, my god Jenn and Jess love startbucks as much as an alcoholic loves vodka. But anyway, we get back, and go to dinner, nothing fancy, but i had stolen jessie's phone to talk to will about going to dinner, which he didn't, and i still had it. I kept it on my person, even when the girls ran upstairs thinking it would be "cute" to lock Evan and i out of the room....so, Evan and i went upstairs to wills room, and i took a little revenge, Now keep in mind i still had Jessie's phone, and i am not one to let opportunities slip through my fingers so easily. So I texted a good group of random on her phone, some i knew, one or two i didnt, "i hate u, dont talk to me anymore"....most ppl who i texted caught on pretty quickly, i think kelly caught on first. Jane was confused, and i just made her more confused until she called evan and he explained it was me texting her, and she called me an idiot, so i called her a bitch (i may be obnoxious, but i am certainly no idiot). Another girl called her phone directly (the smarter in the bunch if i say so myself) and i told her she was apart of a cruel prank, and she laughed, and we talked a little, and she was nice. But this one guy Bryan(?) was all pissed and being a complete idot about it, not catching on at all. Stupid boy. Turned out this boy was the same that jessie had issues with (and still does i suppose) and she got all mad when i showed her the message that bryan sent back. He was very upset, and i do feel bad for making him upset, but really, the kid is kinda dumb for not catching on, just about everyone else caught on right away, and it was just him in the end......he really should have called or something......but i do feel bad about messing with the crazy. But Jessie was sooo mad, and Jenn and Leah were all defending her friend, Jenn just kicked me and didn't say anything, she kicked me much more than usual, which is fine, cause i did feel bad about Bryan, so i just let that go, and then Leah tried to yell at me for messing with ppl, but i fired back saying that it was just a prank, and everyone (minus Bryan) caught on, and it really didn't hurt anyone (except for maybe this bryan kid, but from what Ive been told it needed to be done anyway). Leah kept trying to say it shouldn't have been done at all, and i fought back saying I'm not sorry for what i did, it was payback for the annoying shit that those girls do, with all lets talk behind the boys back, and have "girl talk" when i don't keep anything from them. I don't have (too if any) many secrets from them, and i really hate it when they feel the need to keep stuff from me, it not just annoying, its kind of insulting. If it was something i didn't need to hear, they should have just told me instead of playing games. Sorry guys, but this how i feel, and you know what, I am not sorry for saying it :P.
So basically, Jessie is upset with me, but i think this will blow over because we are better friends than to let something like this ruin it. and if I'm mistaken, then oh well. I love u guys like family, but you all know how easily detached i am.
Lets see, lets start with, well i have no idea where to start. I guess we should start with that Ive stopped water polo. Its a fun game, and if had been playing longer and didn't suck as hard as i do, i might have stayed with it. It was simply that i was soo bad, and i felt bad for making my poor team suck even worse then they do already. Basically. But, jessie and i have been going to the gym everyday, so there isn't going to be an issue of me getting fat. I don't plan on it anyway. Then, there are midterms, and how much they suck. I just took all of my midterms, two last week, one the week before, and my GOD they sucked so freaking hard. I got a C on Avian Science= fail, then i am pretty sure i did poorly on my chem and math midterms cause they were much more difficult than i thought they were going to be. Wheee, fun! but but but, English class is amazingly easy! of course this is just workload, so there is not much to be stoked on.....but still the dumb asses in that class make me feel about 200% better about my writing abilities. I love getting As on my paper, makes me feel smart. but other than that i just can not wait to be finished with math and chemistry, i hate them both sooo much. rawr. so yea.
i am thinking of switching my major to wild life dealing with exotic animals. I like wild animals more than goats and cows. Don't get me wrong, love goats, butttttt, i really want to travel to somewhere like the Arctic and study walruses or polar bears or wolves! that would be amazing. wild life vet? idk. I guess i will stay on the animal science vet track for a while, but, i have a nice fall back dream. It is really thanks to jessie, who is kinda mad at me right now, i should probably elaborate.
Soooo, today was pretty normal day. Chillin with Jenn and Jess ( at this point i will call the combined unit Jesn) after i worked out with Jess. All was hunky dory and then we went to Starbucks with Evan and Leah, my god Jenn and Jess love startbucks as much as an alcoholic loves vodka. But anyway, we get back, and go to dinner, nothing fancy, but i had stolen jessie's phone to talk to will about going to dinner, which he didn't, and i still had it. I kept it on my person, even when the girls ran upstairs thinking it would be "cute" to lock Evan and i out of the room....so, Evan and i went upstairs to wills room, and i took a little revenge, Now keep in mind i still had Jessie's phone, and i am not one to let opportunities slip through my fingers so easily. So I texted a good group of random on her phone, some i knew, one or two i didnt, "i hate u, dont talk to me anymore"....most ppl who i texted caught on pretty quickly, i think kelly caught on first. Jane was confused, and i just made her more confused until she called evan and he explained it was me texting her, and she called me an idiot, so i called her a bitch (i may be obnoxious, but i am certainly no idiot). Another girl called her phone directly (the smarter in the bunch if i say so myself) and i told her she was apart of a cruel prank, and she laughed, and we talked a little, and she was nice. But this one guy Bryan(?) was all pissed and being a complete idot about it, not catching on at all. Stupid boy. Turned out this boy was the same that jessie had issues with (and still does i suppose) and she got all mad when i showed her the message that bryan sent back. He was very upset, and i do feel bad for making him upset, but really, the kid is kinda dumb for not catching on, just about everyone else caught on right away, and it was just him in the end......he really should have called or something......but i do feel bad about messing with the crazy. But Jessie was sooo mad, and Jenn and Leah were all defending her friend, Jenn just kicked me and didn't say anything, she kicked me much more than usual, which is fine, cause i did feel bad about Bryan, so i just let that go, and then Leah tried to yell at me for messing with ppl, but i fired back saying that it was just a prank, and everyone (minus Bryan) caught on, and it really didn't hurt anyone (except for maybe this bryan kid, but from what Ive been told it needed to be done anyway). Leah kept trying to say it shouldn't have been done at all, and i fought back saying I'm not sorry for what i did, it was payback for the annoying shit that those girls do, with all lets talk behind the boys back, and have "girl talk" when i don't keep anything from them. I don't have (too if any) many secrets from them, and i really hate it when they feel the need to keep stuff from me, it not just annoying, its kind of insulting. If it was something i didn't need to hear, they should have just told me instead of playing games. Sorry guys, but this how i feel, and you know what, I am not sorry for saying it :P.
So basically, Jessie is upset with me, but i think this will blow over because we are better friends than to let something like this ruin it. and if I'm mistaken, then oh well. I love u guys like family, but you all know how easily detached i am.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
having a good day, and then all of a sudden, u had to go and ruin my childhood, y u gotta do that honky?
soo basicially, amazing. Lets see, start, ummmm....where to start, i think tuesday? tuesday. Nothing really happened, other than played water polo again, and it was freakin amazing, but i dont exactly know if im going to actually play, cause i reall ydont think im good enough for the team :P. Fail. Oh well....Wendsday was free pie night, and with my soul mate Kelly! she fit in with the group uber well! she was extra funny, and soo much fun to chill with. I picked a good soul mate :D. Thennnn, thursday, nothing really happened at all, i think i hung out with jessie, but i dont remember cause it was boring, and i didnt do much other than write a paper and do some math, well not really math, but ya knowwww. Then Friddayyy, intresting. Missed some shit, thats all that needs to be said, but i did do some bonding with Will on Fri, yayayayay! i dont hate that kid anymore! huzzahhh!!!
Theennn, this morning Jessie took all these modeling photos of me, and they were amazing and i was all, ur amazing, so now i just gotta submit them and itll be good. TTTThhhhennn, we went to big kid park, not as amazing as it sounded, but still, jessie and i got some more shots, and poor jenn wasnt feeling good, so we took her home and watched never ending story.....bascially, most perverted thing ever!!!! i was so upset, my childhood video was creepy and perverted, and i was all like, y isnt this a pg13 movie, its got freakin boobs in ittt!!!come on!!!! and then my lucky dragon turned out to be a creeper, worst childhood ever basically. So sad. Yea, sory for not updating this properly, with all my crazy detail and shit. But im lazy, and my jacket cam in the mail today! so i have to go celebrate, peace!
Theennn, this morning Jessie took all these modeling photos of me, and they were amazing and i was all, ur amazing, so now i just gotta submit them and itll be good. TTTThhhhennn, we went to big kid park, not as amazing as it sounded, but still, jessie and i got some more shots, and poor jenn wasnt feeling good, so we took her home and watched never ending story.....bascially, most perverted thing ever!!!! i was so upset, my childhood video was creepy and perverted, and i was all like, y isnt this a pg13 movie, its got freakin boobs in ittt!!!come on!!!! and then my lucky dragon turned out to be a creeper, worst childhood ever basically. So sad. Yea, sory for not updating this properly, with all my crazy detail and shit. But im lazy, and my jacket cam in the mail today! so i have to go celebrate, peace!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Working Gears come togther
So.........its been a longggg week. Feels like an entire month has pasted, but its only been a week. Time is a fickle mistress, freakin time, make up ur mind woman!!! Lets seeeeee, where to start. Lets start with wensday, cause idk where i left off on this thing, and wend. was interesting. Lets seeeee, to start off the day, i woke up, that usually has to happen, occasionally it doesnt, but i dont remember that part. Went to AVS 11, and then calc, fun shit, not really......then went to lunch with the gang, u should all kno who that is by now....then went to Writing, stupid class, dont even kno why i dont just retake the damn test, cause i would sooooo ace it now that i know what they want....w/e. then then then. we went for pie. Free pie nights are the best!!! love free pie nights.
Ate lots of pie, and different pies, and loved them all. AMAZING!!! i also had a coffee, which was a really bad idea because i decided i was gunna work out after pie......i kinda threw up all the coffee and pie after i ran a quick mile. Thus ending my work outs till present. XP. It upset my stomach sooo much, but im going to get back on the wagon starting tomorrow, good stuff. Then after i was all sicky sick, i went back to jenn's and jessie's and chilled there for like 10 min, fell on the floor, and fell asleep underneath jessies bed for like 2 hours.......best 2 hours ever. I slept sooo well. I was dead after that mile, and that nap was just what i needed. Then jessie and jenn pulled me out from underneath the bed....no longer was eddie happily asleep, no longer was eddie entranced in the lovely state that blurs the line between fantasy and fiction, no longer was eddie dancing on the delicate glass fragments of dreams from another world. No, eddie was not gently drifted from the magical place of utter fancy, but ripped out from the womb!!!! I was not happy, but too drunk from being ripped out of my state of joy to notice, so i wandered back to my place and crashed till my 7:30 class, and then went back to bed after it ended. I was really upset about being awake.
Thennnnn, on Thursday, i ate lunch with the Jenn in tecero.....it was weird. It wasnt REALLY awkward, just kinda, mostly cause jenn and i are not usually left alone with one another, and shes really awkward with most boys.....but i think it was ok, we talked about this and that, nice little chit chat, couldnt really tell what jenn was thinking when she was drifting off into her world of lala, but it wasnt menacing, so i was fine with it. Then she went to class like 3 hours later, and i chilled afterward. Then, went to dinner with the whole gang, minus jessie but plus will and evan, jessie was doing yoga with jane, and when i escorted her to the arc, i left my keys there!!! but at the time i didnt kno, so when i found out they were lost, i was freakin out and then i didnt find them till the next day, and that was after i like called all these places and went wandering around looking for them on Thursday night, but thats more of a side story. After dinner, jenn and sarah had sorority junk, and so i ate dinner again with jessie, it was good fun eating dinner twice. Then, went up to wills room and watched a rerun of the office, and then 30 rock. I am beginning to like will more because he is a guy, and there are no other guys in the group, so i cant talk guy stuff with, soooo, i think im gunnna try and not dislike him more....try, its not like hes a bad guy, there is simply something i dont like about him.....i feel bad because i pick at him all the time, and he really doesnt deserve it, buttttttttttt, there is just something i cant place my finger on ittt thoughhhh!! sorry will.
So after freaking out all Thursday night, i get up on fri and go to classes, and then go to lunch with the gang plus leah in tecero, and then leah takes us horseback riding!!! it was sooo much fun!!! i had never riden a horse b4, and i lovvvve luther!!! he is sooo sweet, and cuteeee, and i love horses!!!!!!! and then leah was all, im getting free room and bored for working at the horse barn, and i was all, i want free room and bored!!!!! so i was all, hook me upppp!! and so we went to the office to ask about the applications, but they rnt up yet, and now im going with leah on monday/ tues, to talk to Holly, person who runs this stuff, to sign up to shadow leah and learn how to feed the horses!! im super excited to work with the horses, even though i have heard from EVERYONE that horse girls are BITCHES!!!!! i have been warned, but im a big boy, i can handle myself. and the free room is worth it, i NEED THIS! so im gunna start working there and then be all like smoozing and stuff. hopefully :D, but anyway, after horseback riding i went to class, wrote an essay, no problem for the amazing writer eddie! but i kinda gave up at the end and was all, i dont even care, but the essay isnt graded, so i didnt care, it just had to be 2 pages, single or double spaced, and mine was single, so i just gave up at the end, enh. Then tyhen then then then, I FOUND MY KEYSSSS!! there they were in the arc lost and found!!! HUZZAH, made my day. So i celebrated by going to dinner with jess and sarah not jenn, she was gone, and all that jazz, then went back on my bike, which i had to leave in gmore because i had lost my keys. Then went out to party the rest of night with some friends out there in Cuarto, u kno who r ;D.
Thennnnn, i went all out and about today, doing stuff, nothing really exciting or worth writing. Cam back and was all JESSIE!!! DINNER AND BADMITTEN!! then sarah was all, basketball game. And i was like, i dont like basketball. I got outvoted, so i ended up going to the basketball game thinking i would be able to pretend to be into it for like half of it, FAILED!!! idk y, butttt i just cant watch sports, that dont involve water, soo boring. And sarah was being all bitchy and saying that if i wasnt interested to leave, but i was trying to be a good friend and hang out with them and do what they want, so i cussed her out, thatll teach her to mess!!! i was also really grumpy for some odd reason......dont kno y, so i left, and im soo tired i dont wanna go out partyin, soo im here typing on my computer on a sat night, and im ok with it, cause im just tooo tired to do anything else :D.
Soooo now that only leaves us with the future. tomorrow the game plan is to do hw, and laundry, and get those other two packages that never freakin came!!!! im gunna avoid the gang tomorrow, i need a break from the on going intimacy that they create, im getting too attached to them, not really, i think i just need some space from everyone for a day or two, eddie time. Theennnnn, monday, classes, and all that jazz, not really anything too in particular, maybe ill take up the water polo teams offer to go to play indoor soccer, prob not. Then tues=death, ughgh, and i have water polo, im kinda excited? ill just make sure im more agressive, and not afraid to say im gunna leave at 8, sall good. But i think im gunna stick with it. and then the rest of the week will prob go as according to plan with a variation here or there, but nothing crazy like angels from heaven escorting me to go exploring up in the great beyond, if that happens, im pretty sure, that would be freakin boss. Basically.
So duck ur head, and hold ur breathe, and ram through that glass door that has been holding you back from living. Its ur life, live it well, i did it, and it was worth the cuts that the glass gave me :D
Ate lots of pie, and different pies, and loved them all. AMAZING!!! i also had a coffee, which was a really bad idea because i decided i was gunna work out after pie......i kinda threw up all the coffee and pie after i ran a quick mile. Thus ending my work outs till present. XP. It upset my stomach sooo much, but im going to get back on the wagon starting tomorrow, good stuff. Then after i was all sicky sick, i went back to jenn's and jessie's and chilled there for like 10 min, fell on the floor, and fell asleep underneath jessies bed for like 2 hours.......best 2 hours ever. I slept sooo well. I was dead after that mile, and that nap was just what i needed. Then jessie and jenn pulled me out from underneath the bed....no longer was eddie happily asleep, no longer was eddie entranced in the lovely state that blurs the line between fantasy and fiction, no longer was eddie dancing on the delicate glass fragments of dreams from another world. No, eddie was not gently drifted from the magical place of utter fancy, but ripped out from the womb!!!! I was not happy, but too drunk from being ripped out of my state of joy to notice, so i wandered back to my place and crashed till my 7:30 class, and then went back to bed after it ended. I was really upset about being awake.
Thennnnn, on Thursday, i ate lunch with the Jenn in tecero.....it was weird. It wasnt REALLY awkward, just kinda, mostly cause jenn and i are not usually left alone with one another, and shes really awkward with most boys.....but i think it was ok, we talked about this and that, nice little chit chat, couldnt really tell what jenn was thinking when she was drifting off into her world of lala, but it wasnt menacing, so i was fine with it. Then she went to class like 3 hours later, and i chilled afterward. Then, went to dinner with the whole gang, minus jessie but plus will and evan, jessie was doing yoga with jane, and when i escorted her to the arc, i left my keys there!!! but at the time i didnt kno, so when i found out they were lost, i was freakin out and then i didnt find them till the next day, and that was after i like called all these places and went wandering around looking for them on Thursday night, but thats more of a side story. After dinner, jenn and sarah had sorority junk, and so i ate dinner again with jessie, it was good fun eating dinner twice. Then, went up to wills room and watched a rerun of the office, and then 30 rock. I am beginning to like will more because he is a guy, and there are no other guys in the group, so i cant talk guy stuff with, soooo, i think im gunnna try and not dislike him more....try, its not like hes a bad guy, there is simply something i dont like about him.....i feel bad because i pick at him all the time, and he really doesnt deserve it, buttttttttttt, there is just something i cant place my finger on ittt thoughhhh!! sorry will.
So after freaking out all Thursday night, i get up on fri and go to classes, and then go to lunch with the gang plus leah in tecero, and then leah takes us horseback riding!!! it was sooo much fun!!! i had never riden a horse b4, and i lovvvve luther!!! he is sooo sweet, and cuteeee, and i love horses!!!!!!! and then leah was all, im getting free room and bored for working at the horse barn, and i was all, i want free room and bored!!!!! so i was all, hook me upppp!! and so we went to the office to ask about the applications, but they rnt up yet, and now im going with leah on monday/ tues, to talk to Holly, person who runs this stuff, to sign up to shadow leah and learn how to feed the horses!! im super excited to work with the horses, even though i have heard from EVERYONE that horse girls are BITCHES!!!!! i have been warned, but im a big boy, i can handle myself. and the free room is worth it, i NEED THIS! so im gunna start working there and then be all like smoozing and stuff. hopefully :D, but anyway, after horseback riding i went to class, wrote an essay, no problem for the amazing writer eddie! but i kinda gave up at the end and was all, i dont even care, but the essay isnt graded, so i didnt care, it just had to be 2 pages, single or double spaced, and mine was single, so i just gave up at the end, enh. Then tyhen then then then, I FOUND MY KEYSSSS!! there they were in the arc lost and found!!! HUZZAH, made my day. So i celebrated by going to dinner with jess and sarah not jenn, she was gone, and all that jazz, then went back on my bike, which i had to leave in gmore because i had lost my keys. Then went out to party the rest of night with some friends out there in Cuarto, u kno who r ;D.
Thennnnn, i went all out and about today, doing stuff, nothing really exciting or worth writing. Cam back and was all JESSIE!!! DINNER AND BADMITTEN!! then sarah was all, basketball game. And i was like, i dont like basketball. I got outvoted, so i ended up going to the basketball game thinking i would be able to pretend to be into it for like half of it, FAILED!!! idk y, butttt i just cant watch sports, that dont involve water, soo boring. And sarah was being all bitchy and saying that if i wasnt interested to leave, but i was trying to be a good friend and hang out with them and do what they want, so i cussed her out, thatll teach her to mess!!! i was also really grumpy for some odd reason......dont kno y, so i left, and im soo tired i dont wanna go out partyin, soo im here typing on my computer on a sat night, and im ok with it, cause im just tooo tired to do anything else :D.
Soooo now that only leaves us with the future. tomorrow the game plan is to do hw, and laundry, and get those other two packages that never freakin came!!!! im gunna avoid the gang tomorrow, i need a break from the on going intimacy that they create, im getting too attached to them, not really, i think i just need some space from everyone for a day or two, eddie time. Theennnnn, monday, classes, and all that jazz, not really anything too in particular, maybe ill take up the water polo teams offer to go to play indoor soccer, prob not. Then tues=death, ughgh, and i have water polo, im kinda excited? ill just make sure im more agressive, and not afraid to say im gunna leave at 8, sall good. But i think im gunna stick with it. and then the rest of the week will prob go as according to plan with a variation here or there, but nothing crazy like angels from heaven escorting me to go exploring up in the great beyond, if that happens, im pretty sure, that would be freakin boss. Basically.
So duck ur head, and hold ur breathe, and ram through that glass door that has been holding you back from living. Its ur life, live it well, i did it, and it was worth the cuts that the glass gave me :D
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
HOSSSSSSSS
Sooooo, i now kno why by blogs are soooo long, its because i dont update this thing enough XP. Lets seeee. Lets start back Thursday. Nothing too crazy, everyone at bakers square remembered me.......crazy.
Then Firday, went back to the dorms, and unpacked, took the writing test, failed because i didnt know what they wanted, i could probably pass if i took it again, but i wont, just want to take the class and get it over with. The rest of friday was boring.
Saterday, Jenn and Jess came back. We chilled for a while, i left early so they could have fun together. then Sunday, went out and chilled with Micheline, had a good time.\
Monday, school started. Avian Science is interesting.......no more needs to be said. Then rushing off to math, the new teacher is a biologist.......making the class about 20 times harder all of a sudden. Not so much fun. Then English.....SUCKS! everyone there is as dumb as a freakin rock, a rock ppl, a rock. Stupid people. But there is one kid, whose a swimmer, i can talk to him.....not tooo bad.
Tuesday, class early, not so bad. I can wake up earlier than most, so im ok with 7:30 class. But then with the lab right after it, especially when i hadent read the lab yet because they hadnt told us to, SUCKS BALLS!!! it really sucked. ummmmm, then went to math review session. New TA seems to know what hes talking about, but i dont like him, theres something about him i dont like about him, im sure ill figure out what i dont like soon. Then water polo practice. Freaking crazy! The guys didnt know i had noo idea how to play, so they just threw me in there, and i started to take a swing at it. I was really shy, and i was afraid to be agressive, but the other guys werent. So, that helped a little bit. They are all really nice, and friendly, and really lax. I cant wait to try again, i just feel bad i really suck at it, and my team has to suffer for it :P. But i cant wait to try it again
Then Firday, went back to the dorms, and unpacked, took the writing test, failed because i didnt know what they wanted, i could probably pass if i took it again, but i wont, just want to take the class and get it over with. The rest of friday was boring.
Saterday, Jenn and Jess came back. We chilled for a while, i left early so they could have fun together. then Sunday, went out and chilled with Micheline, had a good time.\
Monday, school started. Avian Science is interesting.......no more needs to be said. Then rushing off to math, the new teacher is a biologist.......making the class about 20 times harder all of a sudden. Not so much fun. Then English.....SUCKS! everyone there is as dumb as a freakin rock, a rock ppl, a rock. Stupid people. But there is one kid, whose a swimmer, i can talk to him.....not tooo bad.
Tuesday, class early, not so bad. I can wake up earlier than most, so im ok with 7:30 class. But then with the lab right after it, especially when i hadent read the lab yet because they hadnt told us to, SUCKS BALLS!!! it really sucked. ummmmm, then went to math review session. New TA seems to know what hes talking about, but i dont like him, theres something about him i dont like about him, im sure ill figure out what i dont like soon. Then water polo practice. Freaking crazy! The guys didnt know i had noo idea how to play, so they just threw me in there, and i started to take a swing at it. I was really shy, and i was afraid to be agressive, but the other guys werent. So, that helped a little bit. They are all really nice, and friendly, and really lax. I cant wait to try again, i just feel bad i really suck at it, and my team has to suffer for it :P. But i cant wait to try it again
Thursday, January 1, 2009
RAWR
Soo, basically, ive come to many conclusions. Let us start with the beginning. I am done with swimming, competitively. I will still swim on my own here and there, but really? im kinda over the entire kill your body with people you barely know, are younger than you, and not really in the same stage of life as me. I am not saying the kids i swim with are immature, they may be very mature, i really dont know them that well, the simply arent in the same stage of life as me. I am on my own, sorting out my personality disorders and all. Theyre mostly in high school. So, yea, im done. I was going to try out in march, for the college team, but then i weighed the consequences and benefits of it all, and i decided that i can find equally amazing ppl playing water polo, or kendo, or some other crazy club. There is so much I want to do now that I have all these options, i am also thinking of going to take some pictures and go model casting to find an agent. Easy money? i think so. I think ill find an agent, im pretty good looking ;), but im pretty sure im not gunna get the first couple i go to, but that is life. So beyond major news of changing my life dramatically, I have also chilled significantly from the last blog. So I got Bs, not the end of the world? Im still shooting for vet school, and if not, ive got a pretty good fall back, i really want to do animal research, probably exotic, so after a year or so, if vet school isnt looking so hot, ill transfer to wild life preservation or something to that affect. I am an utterly lucky kid, with lots of talents, and i am so ready to explore all of them :D. Yea, so that thats basically the major chunk of my life right now. I shattered who i was, and picked up the pieces i liked and left the rest.
Speaking of leaving without looking back, my last swim practice was interesting. I was at clippers at the time (because i was still visiting in MD at the time, but im home now in Davis) and i was doing the set, and i was doing well, but then i decided to get out to go to the bathroom, and then i decided i dont need anything else in there anymore, so i got my stuff and left. All i had was my goggles, i left everything else in there, and I drove away without ever looking back. I am excited to be done, and I have no regrets about my decision, or any decision i made concerning swimming. So, yea, that was an interesting moment, i think i did a similar thing when i graduated high school. I remember, when everyone left the building for the last time, and everyone was hugging and crying and saying their goodbyes, and i just walked right out, got im my car and drove away, and didnt look back. Another reason it was weird visting all my old teachers in RH, i left that place, with no intention to return.....oh well, its nice to gloat that i am free from that prison. Sorry to everyone who loved high school, but i was in a prison, i could never say what i thought, because no one cared anyway, and i never really got to do what I wanted to do.....so yea, college is amazing, i dont want it end right now. But who am i to control time? :P
Other than that we will get into the petty details. Lets seee.....i forgot where i left off, i think it was after christmas. Yea, ok, lets see, went to Jesersy with the family to see dads family. That is always an interesting experience. For you see, some people think i am brutually honest, and i have a new york attitude, not i say no. Compared to my family, i am a small white maryland boy. They are brutual, and you always have to about your wits when with them, I love them to death, and it really an experience everyone needs to experience, just make sure you come prepared with thick skin, and ammunition on the tips of your tongue. But over all it was a fun night, and the drive home is always enjoyable for me, mostly because i am not driving.
Thennnn, Sunday, we hit the road at about 9 ish, got to Clarksville, at about 2ish, and then i hung out with Kendrick, ate with his family, played video games, and watched eagle eye (lame, not happy about the super computer, sorry if i ruined it?). It is so weird because they do everything as a family, and i have been fussed into it, like a metal alloy, i am mixed into it, not simply a lump on the side. Its nice to know that I will always have them to fall on. But they are so much different than my family. My family is so much more reserved, and we have much more subtle meanings with our gestures, expressions, and other things. Kendrick's family are completely open with one another, i could never image lying to any of them, ever. But with my family, when i was home, not really anymore not that im at college, i was calculating, manipulative, and i was hands down the best lair in the house. Alot has changed. I really dont do that anymore, well, i am calculating, and manipulative, but i dont lie. No need for it really. But anyway, thats another story, for another time....
Sooo, then we move to Monday....Monday, lemme think. I really dont remember it, so it must not have been too important. But i do remember my mom and i went out late to get shoes, nice ones, and we had a nice chat. We analyzed my mind set and personality, and compared it to the families. It turns out, I am weird. Most men look for a problem and solve it. That is how they look at life. It is a gaint problem, and they were made to solve a certain problem, and go about solving it. Women do things differently. They find the problem, and then they analyze it, see possible outcomes, and interpret what the best choice is, and then worry about it (aka think wayyy too much). Apparently I do both. I am a problem solver, and I can solve problems without a problem, but then, i doubt my answer, and then over think it, and i get into the women territory. Normally I would be proud to an exception to any rule; however, this is not a good thing. It kind of sucks actually. My gut instict tells me something, and its usually right, but I have a problem listening to it because of my need for approval....i think im making progress on that, finding that sometimes, i really dont need the approval of other ppl, and i need to do things for me, and no one else. Obviously this came about when deciding to quit swimming. I had no idea what i was going to do, oh!!!! and i remember i had gone to the gym with Kim earlier telling me of how shes done swimming, and fucked up her body in college swimming, and that realy made me think, do i need to do college swimming? I mean the only reason i swam was for college, and for the ppl. And since Jeff helped me NONE! when deciding on a college, and whether or not to swim, i got in on my own, and i got far far away. So, what was i holding onto? I discussed this with my mom, but i was obviously hesitant, and let the massive amount of thought to come, i really shouldnt do that, a skill Jenn has mastered, and my mom and i chewed on that for a while.
from :D. So that was a fun time. Then I went It was the next day where i came up with the answer, I decided I was done. But it wasnt until later in the day, but it was before practice in the afternoon. I didnt go to morning practice, and then....what did i do during the day?.....oh yea! i replaced the not so wonderful sleeveless shirt mommom gave me for christmas for a MD jacket, and a fancy regular jacket that is much more my style. But im excited, i never has a MD jacket, and im proud of the hoedunk little state imot practice, and then left after like an hour and half, and never looked back. I feel bad for ditching naka though :( poor kid. Love him. Then I hung out with morgan, went to Ruby Tuesdays, and saw spirt aAGAIN! and you know how sometimes during movies uve seen twice u get bored in some scenes, no. Not spirt, it was sooooo amazing. Yea, amazing.
Then Wendsday, a fun day. Started with Kendricking, and apprently Cameroning at lunch. We went to quodoba. I t thought it would be all awkward with Cameron, nawwww, he is a cool kid, I put the approval stamp on him. I remember he started off REALLY shy when i was driving Kendrick to BoA, and he was in the car alone with me, he didnt talk much, and i tried to lighten the mood, but he was just awkward, but then when we got to quodoba, and then Borders, he loosened up. Hes a good replacement. Any who, i thus proceeded to asy goodbi to everyone, it was hard, cause i really like my second family, although i was seriously jealous that they busted out the blow up mattress for cameron, and i always get he couch, or the floor :P. Enh, I hear they ask about me all the time though, so thats nice to know :D. Then went to quodoba again with Erica Suter, shes amazing, and shes doing well, and it was god to see her....and all that ;). Then went to a family new years eve party, thank god it ended at 8, i was sooo tired. But still went out, and packed till like 11ish.
Plane left at 8, got here at 12, read an entire book, The Subtle Knife by Phillip Pullman havent read it? go read the golden compass, then get that book, its worth reading. Then went to the hotel, getting ready for my exam tomorrow. Excited to home, i missed it, alot. Thats all for now, sorry, damn, my updates are too fucking long
Speaking of leaving without looking back, my last swim practice was interesting. I was at clippers at the time (because i was still visiting in MD at the time, but im home now in Davis) and i was doing the set, and i was doing well, but then i decided to get out to go to the bathroom, and then i decided i dont need anything else in there anymore, so i got my stuff and left. All i had was my goggles, i left everything else in there, and I drove away without ever looking back. I am excited to be done, and I have no regrets about my decision, or any decision i made concerning swimming. So, yea, that was an interesting moment, i think i did a similar thing when i graduated high school. I remember, when everyone left the building for the last time, and everyone was hugging and crying and saying their goodbyes, and i just walked right out, got im my car and drove away, and didnt look back. Another reason it was weird visting all my old teachers in RH, i left that place, with no intention to return.....oh well, its nice to gloat that i am free from that prison. Sorry to everyone who loved high school, but i was in a prison, i could never say what i thought, because no one cared anyway, and i never really got to do what I wanted to do.....so yea, college is amazing, i dont want it end right now. But who am i to control time? :P
Other than that we will get into the petty details. Lets seee.....i forgot where i left off, i think it was after christmas. Yea, ok, lets see, went to Jesersy with the family to see dads family. That is always an interesting experience. For you see, some people think i am brutually honest, and i have a new york attitude, not i say no. Compared to my family, i am a small white maryland boy. They are brutual, and you always have to about your wits when with them, I love them to death, and it really an experience everyone needs to experience, just make sure you come prepared with thick skin, and ammunition on the tips of your tongue. But over all it was a fun night, and the drive home is always enjoyable for me, mostly because i am not driving.
Thennnn, Sunday, we hit the road at about 9 ish, got to Clarksville, at about 2ish, and then i hung out with Kendrick, ate with his family, played video games, and watched eagle eye (lame, not happy about the super computer, sorry if i ruined it?). It is so weird because they do everything as a family, and i have been fussed into it, like a metal alloy, i am mixed into it, not simply a lump on the side. Its nice to know that I will always have them to fall on. But they are so much different than my family. My family is so much more reserved, and we have much more subtle meanings with our gestures, expressions, and other things. Kendrick's family are completely open with one another, i could never image lying to any of them, ever. But with my family, when i was home, not really anymore not that im at college, i was calculating, manipulative, and i was hands down the best lair in the house. Alot has changed. I really dont do that anymore, well, i am calculating, and manipulative, but i dont lie. No need for it really. But anyway, thats another story, for another time....
Sooo, then we move to Monday....Monday, lemme think. I really dont remember it, so it must not have been too important. But i do remember my mom and i went out late to get shoes, nice ones, and we had a nice chat. We analyzed my mind set and personality, and compared it to the families. It turns out, I am weird. Most men look for a problem and solve it. That is how they look at life. It is a gaint problem, and they were made to solve a certain problem, and go about solving it. Women do things differently. They find the problem, and then they analyze it, see possible outcomes, and interpret what the best choice is, and then worry about it (aka think wayyy too much). Apparently I do both. I am a problem solver, and I can solve problems without a problem, but then, i doubt my answer, and then over think it, and i get into the women territory. Normally I would be proud to an exception to any rule; however, this is not a good thing. It kind of sucks actually. My gut instict tells me something, and its usually right, but I have a problem listening to it because of my need for approval....i think im making progress on that, finding that sometimes, i really dont need the approval of other ppl, and i need to do things for me, and no one else. Obviously this came about when deciding to quit swimming. I had no idea what i was going to do, oh!!!! and i remember i had gone to the gym with Kim earlier telling me of how shes done swimming, and fucked up her body in college swimming, and that realy made me think, do i need to do college swimming? I mean the only reason i swam was for college, and for the ppl. And since Jeff helped me NONE! when deciding on a college, and whether or not to swim, i got in on my own, and i got far far away. So, what was i holding onto? I discussed this with my mom, but i was obviously hesitant, and let the massive amount of thought to come, i really shouldnt do that, a skill Jenn has mastered, and my mom and i chewed on that for a while.
from :D. So that was a fun time. Then I went It was the next day where i came up with the answer, I decided I was done. But it wasnt until later in the day, but it was before practice in the afternoon. I didnt go to morning practice, and then....what did i do during the day?.....oh yea! i replaced the not so wonderful sleeveless shirt mommom gave me for christmas for a MD jacket, and a fancy regular jacket that is much more my style. But im excited, i never has a MD jacket, and im proud of the hoedunk little state imot practice, and then left after like an hour and half, and never looked back. I feel bad for ditching naka though :( poor kid. Love him. Then I hung out with morgan, went to Ruby Tuesdays, and saw spirt aAGAIN! and you know how sometimes during movies uve seen twice u get bored in some scenes, no. Not spirt, it was sooooo amazing. Yea, amazing.
Then Wendsday, a fun day. Started with Kendricking, and apprently Cameroning at lunch. We went to quodoba. I t thought it would be all awkward with Cameron, nawwww, he is a cool kid, I put the approval stamp on him. I remember he started off REALLY shy when i was driving Kendrick to BoA, and he was in the car alone with me, he didnt talk much, and i tried to lighten the mood, but he was just awkward, but then when we got to quodoba, and then Borders, he loosened up. Hes a good replacement. Any who, i thus proceeded to asy goodbi to everyone, it was hard, cause i really like my second family, although i was seriously jealous that they busted out the blow up mattress for cameron, and i always get he couch, or the floor :P. Enh, I hear they ask about me all the time though, so thats nice to know :D. Then went to quodoba again with Erica Suter, shes amazing, and shes doing well, and it was god to see her....and all that ;). Then went to a family new years eve party, thank god it ended at 8, i was sooo tired. But still went out, and packed till like 11ish.
Plane left at 8, got here at 12, read an entire book, The Subtle Knife by Phillip Pullman havent read it? go read the golden compass, then get that book, its worth reading. Then went to the hotel, getting ready for my exam tomorrow. Excited to home, i missed it, alot. Thats all for now, sorry, damn, my updates are too fucking long
Friday, December 26, 2008
muffins
OMG these past couple days have been: LAX, TITS!, BOSS, EPIC, MUCHO GUSTA, NO ME GUSTA, HOSS, AND RIDICULOUS!!!! As we all know these past couple of days have ranged between christmas eve, to the day after christmas. So lets start at the beginning. Christmas eve. Started out going to practice at 10 ending at 12, easy practice. Then progressed to Kendricking (he deserves his own verb at this point) till about....i want to say 6/7 ish, and that was pretty boss, and then my dad summoned me home to wrap gifts and get james gifts out of my car. So then I wrapped gifts until like 11/12ish. No big deal. Day over all was pretty Lax.
Christmas morning arrives, not feeling like christmas morning at all. But I unwrap presents, and we do out silly little traditions that we all do, and it slowly progressed to christmas. Mom and Dad got HOSS stuff. I got a leather jacket, wireless headphones, just overall ridiculously amazing stuff. Then family came over, we had our traditional family party, with everyone being all merry, joky, and judging of how well we r developing. So I put on my little mask, and i worked the room, unfortunately for me that with with the older women, because i do not have a taste for basketball. Then we ate, all was merry, dog got into some gifts, and a pie, and then we opened gifts. I got bumpcus for most of my realitves this year. But whatever, they tried, i really liked aunt pats, she turned some drawings of mine she saw on facebook, and made them into postage stamps :D. It was cool, I got to show people my art, and they were all impressed. And thats how that day ended. I was cranky by the end of it, and over all it was a Boss day.
Then today. Madness. I just need a moment to channel my thoughts for this one. Started off at about 9, where i got up, fixed my hair, put on a nice simple black tshirt and jeans, withdrew 200 dollars for the car accident i got into, to pay for repairs, yes i did get in car accident, no big deal, did everything under the table, and i made him, and a witness, sign something saying that he recieved the payment, and overall, wasnt a bad accident, but still an accident. Then, I went over to pick up Kendrick from carpool to go Kendricking for the rest of the day, at around 12. It was good, we started off going to Elyses, and let her dogs out, so they could get some fresh air, and go crazy. Then we went to the mall. Now the mall itself was quite vacant. But the parking lot was beyond ridiculous. So I think it will be a brilliant idea to try the parking garage, and go up to the top floor to see if theres a spot. DUMB! We get there, there are no spots, so i try to get out, and then we get stuck in the getting out line, for an hour, without moving. But then, just when i was about to kill myself, the most amazing woman appears and pulls out in the exact spot that i need her to. It was perfect. She pulled out, I pulled into the spot, and then Kendrick and I got out, and were getting ready to go Kendricking. We get into the mall, nowhere near as many ppl as we anticipated, and we r in line for chicfila, and i hear someone scream my name. I turn around, and I see Hope. Hope! I love her sooo much, but omg, i am completely two different people when I am with either one of them. It was sooo awkward trying to juggle them both, with my two personalities coming out at once. I hope that NEVER happens again. Eventually, after a while, we send her on her way, she was mega sore from her wisdom teeth being pulled (ouch!) and Kendrick and I finish malling it up. Then we decide we r gunna go see Spirt, at 7:40 at Snowden. So we leave at about 6, and we were getting ready for the crazy parking lot madness. When we got there, all the cars were gone! It took us 5 minutes to get out of the mall, and onto route 175! it was amazing! then we went to the movie theater, and got our tickets, and went back to kendricks house to chill for a while, to discover a new car!!!!!! THEY BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!! it was crazy. The thing is HUGE!!! and the nicest car I think ive ever seen. Its soo amazing. And then Mrs. McDonald took us (Ken, me, and Mr.) out and around the hood. Its amazing. But then we left for the movie. MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!!!!! i loved it sooo much. So many inside jokes between me and Kendrick now. So then after the movie I drop Kendrick off and then go home. You think the story is finished yes? It has only begun.
Soooo....then I come home all ready to help my mom wrap gifts, and she was all, just do it tomorrow, and i was all ok, and then she was all, u have to stop lying to me, and i was all, i didnt do anything! and she was all i looke at ur grades. Now you see, I told my mom I got three As and a B, lies, i got one A one B+ and two Bs. Fan freaking tastic. Really, the only reason I lied to my mom was because I was lying to myself. I didnt want to accept that I am not that smart, or that there is probably no chance of me getting into vet school, that was what i had just centered my life around, and now i have to concider another career, and then ill be changing evrything that i was, everything that i told people i was going to do, and now...i feel like im giving up on myself and everyone. I am just so vain. The main reason I am freaking out about this is because I know my image will be completely ruined now, and how everyone who thought me as smart is now going to realize that im a fake........Ughghghghghghg. Thats the problem. I have no actual skill i can call my own. With each click of friends I molded myself to fit a different persona. With the smart nerdy kids, I was the swimmer jock. With my swimming friends, I was the smarty pants nerd. With my artsy friends, I was the nerdy swimmer. Holding on to that, I was able to look at the person next to me, and tell myself that it was ok that they were soooo much better than me, I swim, or im smart, or i can do art. When in reality I cant really do any of those things. Im having a bit of a mental breakdown here. I dont know who I want to be. I dont know what I want. I just dont know. coming home has made me realize what an act I put on for everyone, everyone. Its different for each person too. This is why it was so hard to have Hope and Kendrick at the same time. With Hope I am the crazy outgoing funny guy, buy with Kendrick I am a bit some reserved, and quiet smarty pants, and this is because Hope is the art kid and kendrick is the nerdy swimmer, so i play the outgoing swimmer smarty pants card with Hope, and the artsy smart kid with Kendrick, when both dont realize that I am not that smart (and dont dare anyone say other wise to try and make me feel better, because it is simply not true) and I am not that good at art, and I am not that great of a swimmer. I am sooo frustrated. I have build my life around what other people expected me to be, what they thought would be good for me, what makes me feel like im better than them. This is why this is such a hard blow. I dont want to admit that I am not special, I dont matter. I am just an average kid. Normal. Not any different than the morons that are on Gilmore 4. I need to ruminate on this. I need to figure out what i want to do, i need to find that thing that makes me special. Because without it, I really dont know who Edward Hackett is. As you can tell, today was a roller coaster of a day.
Christmas morning arrives, not feeling like christmas morning at all. But I unwrap presents, and we do out silly little traditions that we all do, and it slowly progressed to christmas. Mom and Dad got HOSS stuff. I got a leather jacket, wireless headphones, just overall ridiculously amazing stuff. Then family came over, we had our traditional family party, with everyone being all merry, joky, and judging of how well we r developing. So I put on my little mask, and i worked the room, unfortunately for me that with with the older women, because i do not have a taste for basketball. Then we ate, all was merry, dog got into some gifts, and a pie, and then we opened gifts. I got bumpcus for most of my realitves this year. But whatever, they tried, i really liked aunt pats, she turned some drawings of mine she saw on facebook, and made them into postage stamps :D. It was cool, I got to show people my art, and they were all impressed. And thats how that day ended. I was cranky by the end of it, and over all it was a Boss day.
Then today. Madness. I just need a moment to channel my thoughts for this one. Started off at about 9, where i got up, fixed my hair, put on a nice simple black tshirt and jeans, withdrew 200 dollars for the car accident i got into, to pay for repairs, yes i did get in car accident, no big deal, did everything under the table, and i made him, and a witness, sign something saying that he recieved the payment, and overall, wasnt a bad accident, but still an accident. Then, I went over to pick up Kendrick from carpool to go Kendricking for the rest of the day, at around 12. It was good, we started off going to Elyses, and let her dogs out, so they could get some fresh air, and go crazy. Then we went to the mall. Now the mall itself was quite vacant. But the parking lot was beyond ridiculous. So I think it will be a brilliant idea to try the parking garage, and go up to the top floor to see if theres a spot. DUMB! We get there, there are no spots, so i try to get out, and then we get stuck in the getting out line, for an hour, without moving. But then, just when i was about to kill myself, the most amazing woman appears and pulls out in the exact spot that i need her to. It was perfect. She pulled out, I pulled into the spot, and then Kendrick and I got out, and were getting ready to go Kendricking. We get into the mall, nowhere near as many ppl as we anticipated, and we r in line for chicfila, and i hear someone scream my name. I turn around, and I see Hope. Hope! I love her sooo much, but omg, i am completely two different people when I am with either one of them. It was sooo awkward trying to juggle them both, with my two personalities coming out at once. I hope that NEVER happens again. Eventually, after a while, we send her on her way, she was mega sore from her wisdom teeth being pulled (ouch!) and Kendrick and I finish malling it up. Then we decide we r gunna go see Spirt, at 7:40 at Snowden. So we leave at about 6, and we were getting ready for the crazy parking lot madness. When we got there, all the cars were gone! It took us 5 minutes to get out of the mall, and onto route 175! it was amazing! then we went to the movie theater, and got our tickets, and went back to kendricks house to chill for a while, to discover a new car!!!!!! THEY BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!! it was crazy. The thing is HUGE!!! and the nicest car I think ive ever seen. Its soo amazing. And then Mrs. McDonald took us (Ken, me, and Mr.) out and around the hood. Its amazing. But then we left for the movie. MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!!!!! i loved it sooo much. So many inside jokes between me and Kendrick now. So then after the movie I drop Kendrick off and then go home. You think the story is finished yes? It has only begun.
Soooo....then I come home all ready to help my mom wrap gifts, and she was all, just do it tomorrow, and i was all ok, and then she was all, u have to stop lying to me, and i was all, i didnt do anything! and she was all i looke at ur grades. Now you see, I told my mom I got three As and a B, lies, i got one A one B+ and two Bs. Fan freaking tastic. Really, the only reason I lied to my mom was because I was lying to myself. I didnt want to accept that I am not that smart, or that there is probably no chance of me getting into vet school, that was what i had just centered my life around, and now i have to concider another career, and then ill be changing evrything that i was, everything that i told people i was going to do, and now...i feel like im giving up on myself and everyone. I am just so vain. The main reason I am freaking out about this is because I know my image will be completely ruined now, and how everyone who thought me as smart is now going to realize that im a fake........Ughghghghghghg. Thats the problem. I have no actual skill i can call my own. With each click of friends I molded myself to fit a different persona. With the smart nerdy kids, I was the swimmer jock. With my swimming friends, I was the smarty pants nerd. With my artsy friends, I was the nerdy swimmer. Holding on to that, I was able to look at the person next to me, and tell myself that it was ok that they were soooo much better than me, I swim, or im smart, or i can do art. When in reality I cant really do any of those things. Im having a bit of a mental breakdown here. I dont know who I want to be. I dont know what I want. I just dont know. coming home has made me realize what an act I put on for everyone, everyone. Its different for each person too. This is why it was so hard to have Hope and Kendrick at the same time. With Hope I am the crazy outgoing funny guy, buy with Kendrick I am a bit some reserved, and quiet smarty pants, and this is because Hope is the art kid and kendrick is the nerdy swimmer, so i play the outgoing swimmer smarty pants card with Hope, and the artsy smart kid with Kendrick, when both dont realize that I am not that smart (and dont dare anyone say other wise to try and make me feel better, because it is simply not true) and I am not that good at art, and I am not that great of a swimmer. I am sooo frustrated. I have build my life around what other people expected me to be, what they thought would be good for me, what makes me feel like im better than them. This is why this is such a hard blow. I dont want to admit that I am not special, I dont matter. I am just an average kid. Normal. Not any different than the morons that are on Gilmore 4. I need to ruminate on this. I need to figure out what i want to do, i need to find that thing that makes me special. Because without it, I really dont know who Edward Hackett is. As you can tell, today was a roller coaster of a day.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What is with my life
Soooooo......long story short, swimming kinda dominated my life back in the good old high school years from 10-12th grade. I am home, and I am going to all those practices that I need to start to catch up, and beyond being sore, I have discover that I have little life outside this sport. It is kinda SAD! I mean, I love the sport, and I love pushing my body to its physical limit (which is currently shorter than I would like it to be), but seriously, what am I going to do when I dont make the UC Davis team? mur.
Simply being realistic here people. As much as I would love to experience a new thing, like college swimming, I am simply being realistic. I have little chance to drop about ten seconds in any 100 event, or twenty seconds in any 200 event XP. sooo basically, I have to go a 49 in my 100 bk, when i go a 58, a 1:48 in my 200 bk, when i go a 2:01.....and i have to do this in about a two/three month span. Seriously? It doesnt mean I am giving up. I just makes me simply discouraged even further. I also think I am going to join to UC davis water polo team, when i fail to make the standards for swimming. As much as I dont want to give up swimming, I am slowly beginning to realize that it was not the actually sport of swimming that made me happy (dont get me wrong i do love the sport) it was the people that made it worth while. And now that everyone is basically gone, the only think that is even keeping me at clippers practice is Naka...XP. I dont even know what I am going to do when I get back to davis. I really dont like any of the kids on the Davis team. I like a few kids, but only a few, actually more like one. As a group, they arent the friendliest bunch.....im am over thinking this no doubt. My BIGGEST problem. I over think fucking EVERYTHING!
I feel like a freaking girl. Constantly over analyzing, and making interpretations, and judging, and, and, and....ahhhhhhhh. Freakin narcissistic or something? I am currently making Jenn find the right word for me, because I could not find it, and I would not stop looking for it, until I found it, END BAD SENTENCE! I am so not excited to get back to davis now. I mucho excited to see all my friends/ roomies/ shack mates. I miss them soo much, and our craza moments, and craza life style. Problem is when I go back, is that I more than likely will not get to enjoy this lifestyle for a while XP. I will be in training mode....which means my social life will slowly die for a little while = unhappy eddie. But I just have to remember of the benefits for killing myself like this. And whats even better, is that I will still have to continue to kill myself even if I make the team, the only difference is that there will, more than likely, be people that I will like on the team. Thats the goal here, get to a team, where I like the people, and can actually enjoy the benefits socially, and physically from swimming. Unfortunately, this comes at a bit of a sacrifice....
If I do get involved in college swimming, I am really afraid that all other aspects of my life will suffer because of it. College swimmers are just that, college swimmers, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. They arent academics, they arent artsy, they are simply athletes......and those that are something beyond just the narrow scope they have been slotted to, it takes much, much longer for them to finish college. and I am already going to grad school, I am going to be practically dead by the time I get out of vet school, IF i get into vet school. And then I proabably wont be able to do my minors, or that specialization in marine mammals that I wanted to do. FAIL! and than theres my social life. I would be taking a big risk in the gambit called social networking. I absolutely adore the friends I have now, and if I do actually, by some miracle (theyve happened to me ppl) I will most likely be ditching them, for the swim team. Athletes generally, dont go outside theyre own social network. And I love my pals, my amigos, my chums!!! And I know I will love these new people, but who am I to decide fate? Mucho frustrating. I think I just need to chill, and see what happens, I guess. I dont know......I dont like leaving things in the hands of other people. I like deciding my own options, and making my own decisions. Basically, by trying out, I will be going in with soo much uncertainty and I will basically leaving my fate in the hands of this coach, who will decide if i make the team or not. XP.
My god, I think wayyy too much. I need an off switch for my brain! Its preventing me from sleeping. Its 12 now, and I doubt i will fall asleep till 2 or something like that, and I have to go to the pool at 10, which means il be up at like 9/ 9:30. Which isnt that bad......but, I would like a good 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to the 7/6 i will most likely be getting. Other than that, you are probably wondering about my life as of present, not as of future, which hasnt even come yet, which makes me wonder why the fuck I am worrying so much about this, when there is nothing to be done yet, other than struggle at practice....anyway...
lets see, this week has been fairly uneventful. Hung out with kendrick on Saturday, which a blast!!!!! I missed hanging out with that kid, and his family is sooo nice to me :D. Makes me feel right at home being with them. Then I went to my own holiday party after hanging with him, and that was nice seeing everyone from the family friend department. Nice to know noone has changed, and they most likely never will. Then I went back to Kendrick's house, so I could drive him to morning practice the next day, and get 25 bucks from Mr. McDonald, easiest 25 dollas eva!!!
Then Sunday was fairly uneventful, I dont recall doing anything, other than thinking that ken and I were suppose to go shopping, but instead i ended up reading most the afternoon, which was not as fun, but still satisfying in its own way.
Then Monday, my brother and I got kicked out of the house so the cleaning lady could, well, clean. It was awkward, my brother and I arent very, well, close. So, we didnt really do anything together, and i dropped him off at a friends house after he went christmas shopping. Then I saw Christa (ok this is complicated, Chirsta is a Susan's (Kendrick's mom) good friend/neighbor) and her kids with Kellen (Kendircks sister) (yes its weird, but Ive become very close to all of them) at target. Made it a tad awkward by asking for a certain pajama pants, where they are in little to no position to get me a christmas gift, but other than that it was a nice time. Then I went to practice. Did ok in the pool, killed myself in dryland, causing Tuesday (today) to be bad.
Tuesday, kinda sucked. I spent the greater part of the day baking cookies, a 400 some number, and then went to prac. It was breaststroke day. Why I ever swam breakstroke of my own free will, I will never know. But I did, and I died, and was very frustrated with myself because since I couldnt go fast on the br, i didnt get go as fast as I should on the free. XP. But then I killed myself in dryland again....so tomorrow wont be any better. Well thats not true, I am sure it will be, since its chirstmas eve, nothing to get too worked up about.
And thats the update for now. Practice is sucking because I am out of shape, and no one form high school is there. I only have Naka an Kelsey, who is currently mad at me, after my little breaststroke incident, which I dont blame her for, cause it really sucked. Beyond sucked, it was like i had intaken i fist full of soil and then pooped it out the next day. Yea I went there!
I guess I should stop typing before this gets any longer, and maybe i should get some sleep? Big day of wrapping tomorrow.....fun.............. actually i will enjoy the time where i can spend it not thinking :D
Simply being realistic here people. As much as I would love to experience a new thing, like college swimming, I am simply being realistic. I have little chance to drop about ten seconds in any 100 event, or twenty seconds in any 200 event XP. sooo basically, I have to go a 49 in my 100 bk, when i go a 58, a 1:48 in my 200 bk, when i go a 2:01.....and i have to do this in about a two/three month span. Seriously? It doesnt mean I am giving up. I just makes me simply discouraged even further. I also think I am going to join to UC davis water polo team, when i fail to make the standards for swimming. As much as I dont want to give up swimming, I am slowly beginning to realize that it was not the actually sport of swimming that made me happy (dont get me wrong i do love the sport) it was the people that made it worth while. And now that everyone is basically gone, the only think that is even keeping me at clippers practice is Naka...XP. I dont even know what I am going to do when I get back to davis. I really dont like any of the kids on the Davis team. I like a few kids, but only a few, actually more like one. As a group, they arent the friendliest bunch.....im am over thinking this no doubt. My BIGGEST problem. I over think fucking EVERYTHING!
I feel like a freaking girl. Constantly over analyzing, and making interpretations, and judging, and, and, and....ahhhhhhhh. Freakin narcissistic or something? I am currently making Jenn find the right word for me, because I could not find it, and I would not stop looking for it, until I found it, END BAD SENTENCE! I am so not excited to get back to davis now. I mucho excited to see all my friends/ roomies/ shack mates. I miss them soo much, and our craza moments, and craza life style. Problem is when I go back, is that I more than likely will not get to enjoy this lifestyle for a while XP. I will be in training mode....which means my social life will slowly die for a little while = unhappy eddie. But I just have to remember of the benefits for killing myself like this. And whats even better, is that I will still have to continue to kill myself even if I make the team, the only difference is that there will, more than likely, be people that I will like on the team. Thats the goal here, get to a team, where I like the people, and can actually enjoy the benefits socially, and physically from swimming. Unfortunately, this comes at a bit of a sacrifice....
If I do get involved in college swimming, I am really afraid that all other aspects of my life will suffer because of it. College swimmers are just that, college swimmers, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. They arent academics, they arent artsy, they are simply athletes......and those that are something beyond just the narrow scope they have been slotted to, it takes much, much longer for them to finish college. and I am already going to grad school, I am going to be practically dead by the time I get out of vet school, IF i get into vet school. And then I proabably wont be able to do my minors, or that specialization in marine mammals that I wanted to do. FAIL! and than theres my social life. I would be taking a big risk in the gambit called social networking. I absolutely adore the friends I have now, and if I do actually, by some miracle (theyve happened to me ppl) I will most likely be ditching them, for the swim team. Athletes generally, dont go outside theyre own social network. And I love my pals, my amigos, my chums!!! And I know I will love these new people, but who am I to decide fate? Mucho frustrating. I think I just need to chill, and see what happens, I guess. I dont know......I dont like leaving things in the hands of other people. I like deciding my own options, and making my own decisions. Basically, by trying out, I will be going in with soo much uncertainty and I will basically leaving my fate in the hands of this coach, who will decide if i make the team or not. XP.
My god, I think wayyy too much. I need an off switch for my brain! Its preventing me from sleeping. Its 12 now, and I doubt i will fall asleep till 2 or something like that, and I have to go to the pool at 10, which means il be up at like 9/ 9:30. Which isnt that bad......but, I would like a good 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to the 7/6 i will most likely be getting. Other than that, you are probably wondering about my life as of present, not as of future, which hasnt even come yet, which makes me wonder why the fuck I am worrying so much about this, when there is nothing to be done yet, other than struggle at practice....anyway...
lets see, this week has been fairly uneventful. Hung out with kendrick on Saturday, which a blast!!!!! I missed hanging out with that kid, and his family is sooo nice to me :D. Makes me feel right at home being with them. Then I went to my own holiday party after hanging with him, and that was nice seeing everyone from the family friend department. Nice to know noone has changed, and they most likely never will. Then I went back to Kendrick's house, so I could drive him to morning practice the next day, and get 25 bucks from Mr. McDonald, easiest 25 dollas eva!!!
Then Sunday was fairly uneventful, I dont recall doing anything, other than thinking that ken and I were suppose to go shopping, but instead i ended up reading most the afternoon, which was not as fun, but still satisfying in its own way.
Then Monday, my brother and I got kicked out of the house so the cleaning lady could, well, clean. It was awkward, my brother and I arent very, well, close. So, we didnt really do anything together, and i dropped him off at a friends house after he went christmas shopping. Then I saw Christa (ok this is complicated, Chirsta is a Susan's (Kendrick's mom) good friend/neighbor) and her kids with Kellen (Kendircks sister) (yes its weird, but Ive become very close to all of them) at target. Made it a tad awkward by asking for a certain pajama pants, where they are in little to no position to get me a christmas gift, but other than that it was a nice time. Then I went to practice. Did ok in the pool, killed myself in dryland, causing Tuesday (today) to be bad.
Tuesday, kinda sucked. I spent the greater part of the day baking cookies, a 400 some number, and then went to prac. It was breaststroke day. Why I ever swam breakstroke of my own free will, I will never know. But I did, and I died, and was very frustrated with myself because since I couldnt go fast on the br, i didnt get go as fast as I should on the free. XP. But then I killed myself in dryland again....so tomorrow wont be any better. Well thats not true, I am sure it will be, since its chirstmas eve, nothing to get too worked up about.
And thats the update for now. Practice is sucking because I am out of shape, and no one form high school is there. I only have Naka an Kelsey, who is currently mad at me, after my little breaststroke incident, which I dont blame her for, cause it really sucked. Beyond sucked, it was like i had intaken i fist full of soil and then pooped it out the next day. Yea I went there!
I guess I should stop typing before this gets any longer, and maybe i should get some sleep? Big day of wrapping tomorrow.....fun.............. actually i will enjoy the time where i can spend it not thinking :D
Friday, December 19, 2008
home
so being home is really weird. Basically, time has stood still here, and ive changed soooo much.....its a little weird. I went to see my teachers today, most of them i actually wanted to see, and i said hi, and they asked how is my life now in CA, and i say its amazing, and then we have some nice, some petty, discussion, but really nothing at school has changed. The administration is full of morons, there are some amazing teachers, and some really stupid ones.......its just weird.
Being in the clippers pool really sucks now. The sets are sooooo stupid, and there is noone to really swim with, kendrick is gone, kim quit swimming, nour isnt back yet, and that leaves me and the kelseys.....it sucks. Not to mention that im kinda dead from practice, i really struggled the past couple of days, probably from not being able to go to all the practices in davis....but that will change when i can finally make them all. I mean dont get me wrong, they are oging to suck for the first couple of weeks, and probably only going to get worse, and I dont really like most of the people there......it just really sucks. :P I really just want to suck it up this year and try out for the uc davis team in march. OMG i really want to be on the davis team, if i make it, i will extremely happy. But 90 percent says that i wont make the team, and if i dont make the team, i do not think i will be swimming next year. Too much time spent with people i dont really hang out with/ like. As much as i enjoy swimming, i think the only reason i enjoyed it was because i had all my friends there, i really dont want to frustrate myself with all this confusion. So thats that. I am going to work really hard from the start of january, and then try out for the davis team in march. If i make it, yay!!! if i dont, then im done XP. This is a really shitty conclusion to something i have only being doing for like 3 years. Ughghgh, i wish i had started swimming when i was younger! i would be sooo fast right now, but no, i started in my sophmore year of high school! DUMB!
and then theres clippers, ohhhh i really hate clippers right now. Jeff has been helping the current seniors get signed with other swimming schools to swim, and for money. I ask you, WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE WHEN I WAS DOING THAT SHIT! He is talking to them about the letters hes getting from colleges about different kids swimming for their school, i wasnt THAT bad, i had descent times! come on. Not fair! Whatever. I am trying to picture where i would be if i had signed with a school for swimming. Probably not at a very good school.....I do love where i am, i just ruminating on what could have been. :P.
mur. Ughghhg, its always really frustrating to picture what my life could have been. Ex: i couldve gone to private school, but i kno for a fact i wouldnt be swimming right now. Another, I shouldve started swimming younger and then i would be at some other MD school, being all super fast in the pool, but probably really dumb! Ufhhfhfghgh. Mucho frustrated. I cant go back to davis right now, and see the people who like the me that i am, and not what i could be. I think everyone here expects me to be something i am not! My swimmer friends what me to be a super fast swimmer. My school friends expect that i am going to be a super smarty pants. And my karate friends expect that i teach in davis......too many people, too many expectations. I am only one person!!!! But that is a deep emotional problem that i have to solve after i deal with this swimmer thing. I think i really have to learn to be ok with me, not who people expect me to be. This is why i need to go back to davis. Nobody expects anything from me, expect to be a smarty pants, but that is generally easy, easier than being a super smarty pants. Its nice that people except you the way that you are, and not what they think you should be.....i am going to ruminate on that further.
Other than that, the week was pretty uneventful. Went to dinner with hope yesterday, went to dinner with kendrick and his family to celebrate his 15th bday, its weird but they are basically my family now :P, and then got iced in at kendricks house because i was too afraid to drive the night before. That is pretty much it :D. I am just ready to get my life back to where IIIIII want it ( I tried to find a way to emphasize I, since its already capitalized, so i thought repeating it would do the trick). Thanks for excepting me the way i am guys!
Being in the clippers pool really sucks now. The sets are sooooo stupid, and there is noone to really swim with, kendrick is gone, kim quit swimming, nour isnt back yet, and that leaves me and the kelseys.....it sucks. Not to mention that im kinda dead from practice, i really struggled the past couple of days, probably from not being able to go to all the practices in davis....but that will change when i can finally make them all. I mean dont get me wrong, they are oging to suck for the first couple of weeks, and probably only going to get worse, and I dont really like most of the people there......it just really sucks. :P I really just want to suck it up this year and try out for the uc davis team in march. OMG i really want to be on the davis team, if i make it, i will extremely happy. But 90 percent says that i wont make the team, and if i dont make the team, i do not think i will be swimming next year. Too much time spent with people i dont really hang out with/ like. As much as i enjoy swimming, i think the only reason i enjoyed it was because i had all my friends there, i really dont want to frustrate myself with all this confusion. So thats that. I am going to work really hard from the start of january, and then try out for the davis team in march. If i make it, yay!!! if i dont, then im done XP. This is a really shitty conclusion to something i have only being doing for like 3 years. Ughghgh, i wish i had started swimming when i was younger! i would be sooo fast right now, but no, i started in my sophmore year of high school! DUMB!
and then theres clippers, ohhhh i really hate clippers right now. Jeff has been helping the current seniors get signed with other swimming schools to swim, and for money. I ask you, WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE WHEN I WAS DOING THAT SHIT! He is talking to them about the letters hes getting from colleges about different kids swimming for their school, i wasnt THAT bad, i had descent times! come on. Not fair! Whatever. I am trying to picture where i would be if i had signed with a school for swimming. Probably not at a very good school.....I do love where i am, i just ruminating on what could have been. :P.
mur. Ughghhg, its always really frustrating to picture what my life could have been. Ex: i couldve gone to private school, but i kno for a fact i wouldnt be swimming right now. Another, I shouldve started swimming younger and then i would be at some other MD school, being all super fast in the pool, but probably really dumb! Ufhhfhfghgh. Mucho frustrated. I cant go back to davis right now, and see the people who like the me that i am, and not what i could be. I think everyone here expects me to be something i am not! My swimmer friends what me to be a super fast swimmer. My school friends expect that i am going to be a super smarty pants. And my karate friends expect that i teach in davis......too many people, too many expectations. I am only one person!!!! But that is a deep emotional problem that i have to solve after i deal with this swimmer thing. I think i really have to learn to be ok with me, not who people expect me to be. This is why i need to go back to davis. Nobody expects anything from me, expect to be a smarty pants, but that is generally easy, easier than being a super smarty pants. Its nice that people except you the way that you are, and not what they think you should be.....i am going to ruminate on that further.
Other than that, the week was pretty uneventful. Went to dinner with hope yesterday, went to dinner with kendrick and his family to celebrate his 15th bday, its weird but they are basically my family now :P, and then got iced in at kendricks house because i was too afraid to drive the night before. That is pretty much it :D. I am just ready to get my life back to where IIIIII want it ( I tried to find a way to emphasize I, since its already capitalized, so i thought repeating it would do the trick). Thanks for excepting me the way i am guys!
Friday, December 12, 2008
airport
Wow, havent done this a while.....where to start
ok, Thanksgiving passed, and so did finals.....a dark chapter of my life i dont wish to revisit any time soon...........and so did the swim meet. Lets start there
Soooo, the swim meet, the first 200 of my 500 fr was amazing, i went like a 1:56, and kicking some serious butts. But then, i died.......and came back, very slow.......made me sad. But then I was all like, ok, cool, i can go fast in the 200 and the 100 fr im swimming over the weekend, its ok. And that held true for the most part. I swam the 100 fr, and i did well, went a 53 low, and then the 100 bk was bad.....but its ok, the 100 fr was good, equilibrium was meet. But then, I was all ready to swim my 200s.......and then my alarm clock didnt go off.......i tried to call brad, and he tried to call me, but we dont have each others numbers......i was so upset, i wouldve won high point award, and probably gotten a best time XP. My life is very frustrating when it comes to karma. But whatever, I justified this happening by saying it was a good excuse to study for my two finals on Monday, of which, both required little studying at all XP.
I guess that moves the conversation neatly to the subject of finals themselves. A fun topic. The first two were on Monday, and I killed them. I smushed them on the ground and beat them so far down into submission that i couldve bottled it for convenience (Thats for Jessay). And then I was all nervous for my last final yesterday, in math. I was all like, OMG i learned soooo much, iz gunna not remember any of it. As it turns out, it was fairly easy, and I think I did well. But that was with a massive amount of studyin, tada! Poor Jenn and Jess, they have poor study habits and they really dont kno how to study at all......I kinda picked it up last year, on the fine thread of failing AP chemistry....IRONY? But theyre both smart cookies and they survived, and Jenn will most likely do so well, we question the size of her brain again.....oh Jenn. But all in all, it went well, Hopefully.
Now for the most important fact of this week. IM GOING HOME! finally. I am so excited. I am currently sitting at the airport, waiting for someone to say my plane has arrived and i can get on it, so i may depart to the magical land of Maryland :D. Of course it will only remain magical until I am actually there. When I get there, I am sure it will no longer be amazing as I remember it. And Im ok with that. But I am sad to be leaving my home, yes my davis home. I love Davis and I love my friends....iz gunna miss them. Especially after that pushing daisies, not really marathon, more of a spree, with Jessy last night. It was amazing, went saw the latest episode, and then went rummaging for top quotes. I cant wait to come back and watch all of them with her!!!! Jess really understands my love of this show. No one else really gets it, and thats ok, it just makes talking in public awkward.
BTW, its suppose to snow when i get home....SNOW! so exciting. Its not even cold enough to freeze ice here, and its gunna SNOW back in MD. Iz excited.
As for the rest of the week, most of it consisted of finals, nothing eventful. But, I was interested to find that when i posted a quiz to see how well people knew me, my sister knew me the best. She knew me better than any one of my friends. Shes seen me when ive been amazing, and when ive been like shit. She gets me :D. I was also pleased to find that other than that, most people dont kno that much about me......and that is good. I dont like getting too attached to anyone. Oh, I also was able to determine that Jenn, is evil/ amazing....shes like Voldomort, with a vagina.
ok, Thanksgiving passed, and so did finals.....a dark chapter of my life i dont wish to revisit any time soon...........and so did the swim meet. Lets start there
Soooo, the swim meet, the first 200 of my 500 fr was amazing, i went like a 1:56, and kicking some serious butts. But then, i died.......and came back, very slow.......made me sad. But then I was all like, ok, cool, i can go fast in the 200 and the 100 fr im swimming over the weekend, its ok. And that held true for the most part. I swam the 100 fr, and i did well, went a 53 low, and then the 100 bk was bad.....but its ok, the 100 fr was good, equilibrium was meet. But then, I was all ready to swim my 200s.......and then my alarm clock didnt go off.......i tried to call brad, and he tried to call me, but we dont have each others numbers......i was so upset, i wouldve won high point award, and probably gotten a best time XP. My life is very frustrating when it comes to karma. But whatever, I justified this happening by saying it was a good excuse to study for my two finals on Monday, of which, both required little studying at all XP.
I guess that moves the conversation neatly to the subject of finals themselves. A fun topic. The first two were on Monday, and I killed them. I smushed them on the ground and beat them so far down into submission that i couldve bottled it for convenience (Thats for Jessay). And then I was all nervous for my last final yesterday, in math. I was all like, OMG i learned soooo much, iz gunna not remember any of it. As it turns out, it was fairly easy, and I think I did well. But that was with a massive amount of studyin, tada! Poor Jenn and Jess, they have poor study habits and they really dont kno how to study at all......I kinda picked it up last year, on the fine thread of failing AP chemistry....IRONY? But theyre both smart cookies and they survived, and Jenn will most likely do so well, we question the size of her brain again.....oh Jenn. But all in all, it went well, Hopefully.
Now for the most important fact of this week. IM GOING HOME! finally. I am so excited. I am currently sitting at the airport, waiting for someone to say my plane has arrived and i can get on it, so i may depart to the magical land of Maryland :D. Of course it will only remain magical until I am actually there. When I get there, I am sure it will no longer be amazing as I remember it. And Im ok with that. But I am sad to be leaving my home, yes my davis home. I love Davis and I love my friends....iz gunna miss them. Especially after that pushing daisies, not really marathon, more of a spree, with Jessy last night. It was amazing, went saw the latest episode, and then went rummaging for top quotes. I cant wait to come back and watch all of them with her!!!! Jess really understands my love of this show. No one else really gets it, and thats ok, it just makes talking in public awkward.
BTW, its suppose to snow when i get home....SNOW! so exciting. Its not even cold enough to freeze ice here, and its gunna SNOW back in MD. Iz excited.
As for the rest of the week, most of it consisted of finals, nothing eventful. But, I was interested to find that when i posted a quiz to see how well people knew me, my sister knew me the best. She knew me better than any one of my friends. Shes seen me when ive been amazing, and when ive been like shit. She gets me :D. I was also pleased to find that other than that, most people dont kno that much about me......and that is good. I dont like getting too attached to anyone. Oh, I also was able to determine that Jenn, is evil/ amazing....shes like Voldomort, with a vagina.
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