Sunday, April 18, 2010

the usually typical

I haven't updated this thing in forever, but I have some free time right now, and nothing better to do and thought I would kill some time with an update.

Well, it has been a while since I've actually looked at this thing. I believe it was beginning of the summer, so almost a year, jesus I am old. Some quick updates: dropped the ANS major (still not official, but it is definitely happening) and am looking into either Animal Biology (which is far more politician than I would have liked in my major) or Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavioral Science (NPB). I am currently leaning towards NPB, but I haven't taken a course in it yet, so I am going to take NPB 101 in the fall to see if I like it. I will also be adding my double major in studio art after this quarter because I finally took my two upper division course (two senior level art history courses) in order to add the double major, so that is all set up for fall quarter. Then I can start taking my basic art classes and work on my double major and getting out of here in 4 years. yay!

I've also started doing research in med schools. I haven't entirely given up on being a vet since i have never really gotten hands on experience in the emergency vet field; but, I am also opening up my options to med school. Right now I really want to go to med school at New York School of Medicine (I know). That means my measly 3.0 gpa needs to get inflated to a 3.4-3.7 ish. Shooting for New York has really given the motivation I've needed to start doing better in school. I was really struggling fall quarter where I got a C in ochem and I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do anymore, but ever since I started shooting for New York my grades have been improving. I just need to keep focused. Unfortunately, I am the kin of person whose determination often blinds them. I did this in high school too. I got so focused on colleges my social life suffered consequently, and ultimately stunted my social maturity. I had been improving since I started college, but it appears that I've fallen back into the same pattern. Can a person really unlearn their habits? I can't help but wonder how much is built in them. But, that just me getting too deep. Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I learned about myself freshman year, and I made the point to really work on certain traits that I didn't like, and some of them did stick; however, other did not.

I am very good at pushing people away. Surface relationships seem to be the best I can achieve. I made some real progress freshman year making really close friends who understood me, but I pushed those people away. FAR AWAY. I am back to where I started, essentially, with surface relationships. Even though I have regressed in that area, I have become alot more comfortable with myself and that has had a very positive impact on my friends. It helps me understand other people and their problems, and gives me the ability to talk to them and see their problems through their eyes. That has always been a strong point of mine, but I have recently gotten very good at it. Maybe I should go into psychology or something, hahhahaha. This all makes me sound so pretentious, but in all honesty I feel like I deal with alot of my friends problems, and I really don't have a problem with that or anything, in fact I enjoy it to some degree, but it makes it difficult when you can see everyone else and no one really bothers to look at you. I am not sure that came out they way I wanted, but I don't think I am going to change it. hahahah this sounds so damn emo, but it is really how i feel alot of the time, even though I am pretty sure it is not true at all.

Ask anyone in my family, I am a pretty transparent person. I let you know how I feel all the time, without a filter, I have the WORST poker face (and yet I am not awful at poker), and it is not really difficult to sense how I am feeling (most likely because I told you). And yet, I feel like nobody (ok, lie. one person DID) really understands me as a person. Sounds pathetic actually. But that's the way it feels. It feels like I am always listening and never talking about my problems, which is why I guess I find the need to vent with this bloody thing. And the one person who was actually intrested in me as a person, I pushed away. FAIL.

Nothing I can do about it really now. It is probably best if I just take up this pent-up frustration and channel it into being super busy all the time. hahhaa, that is another strong point of mine. I can always find a way to get really really busy. So busy that I don't have to deal with my own emotions. That god for that quality.

Enough of this emotional shit that has no particular value to my life as a whole. I am kinda excited for summer? When I get back, on the 12th of frekaing June, my folks planned us flying out on a family vacation to England and Ireland. I am super stoked. I have never been abroad, so I am really looking forward to go exploring in a different country. I have always been a fan of culture shock, and always been interested in that sort of stuff. We will be in each country a week, then I come back and either go to work at APL for summer (I hear if they accepted my research submission at the end of the month) orrr I do nothing and wait to go back school a month later. If I am going back to school, I will prob bring my car out and make a road trip out of it. I want to go across the country, see whats really in America. I am planning to go up and visit my Aunt Joanna in Minnesota, but the trip isn't definite yet, so I don't want to tell her just yet. AH! And she is currently pregnant with twins. Freaking awesome. I am going to have twin cousins. So excited. i am also really excited to see Ben, and hopefully be there for his birthday? I am not sure if I will be there for that, but it would be great to see him. I freaking love kids. I really want my own, but I am like 19 and planning on going to grad school, so that isn't going to happen for a while. ugh. I want 3 kids right now (it changes alot) it doesn't really matter what sex they are, as long as they aren't all the same. I would want either 2 girls and 1 boy or, more preferably, 2 boys and a girl. I have no idea why I want kids so freaking bad, especially when I know I am probably the last one of the Hackett trio that is going to reproduce. James is going to be the first because he is also likes kids and doesn't want them. Therefore, he is going to have them first. Then Kate, because she is already out of college, and has a much better of chance of having kids sooner than I do. I am going to be in school forever, and probably going to end up in a lifestyle where having kids would be an inconvenience, knowing my personality and all. So yea. I really want kids. But, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a spouse. I'd pull off the single parent routine. Again, another reason I am not having kids for a while, I may love kids, but I can't seem to hold a real relationship for longer than two weeks. Thats right. My currently record for a relationship is two freaking weeks. Bleh.

Thats my mother's worst fear for me I think. She really doesn't want me to end up alone forever, only having these surface relationships. Mom and I had a lengthy conversation about it. She thinks I am going to end up in an apartment for the rest of my life living alone. She is probably right. Note: I HATE living alone. I am living alone this year in an apartment far off campus and it sucks. It is great for when I need to study, like this weekend, or when I need to be a bitch for a day and seclude myself away to keep from damaging others. But seriously. I am not the kind of person that can live without having other people around. Just someone around who I can talk to when I am bored and keep my entertained on a general level. Last year I had a really close group of friends who I basically lived with because I was over at their place ALL THE TIME. This year it is almost like I've quarantined myself and surgically removed that kind of relationship out of my life. it sucks. alot. I get bored, and have nothing to do which leads to dangerous activities, such as thinking. Like if I had someone with me here right now, I wouldn't have to be blogging, I could just be watching a movie with a friend or something. But alas. I am tired of this. I am going to bed.

In conclusion the currently update in my life is this: i am usually typical.

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