Friday, December 26, 2008


OMG these past couple days have been: LAX, TITS!, BOSS, EPIC, MUCHO GUSTA, NO ME GUSTA, HOSS, AND RIDICULOUS!!!! As we all know these past couple of days have ranged between christmas eve, to the day after christmas. So lets start at the beginning. Christmas eve. Started out going to practice at 10 ending at 12, easy practice. Then progressed to Kendricking (he deserves his own verb at this point) till about....i want to say 6/7 ish, and that was pretty boss, and then my dad summoned me home to wrap gifts and get james gifts out of my car. So then I wrapped gifts until like 11/12ish. No big deal. Day over all was pretty Lax.

Christmas morning arrives, not feeling like christmas morning at all. But I unwrap presents, and we do out silly little traditions that we all do, and it slowly progressed to christmas. Mom and Dad got HOSS stuff. I got a leather jacket, wireless headphones, just overall ridiculously amazing stuff. Then family came over, we had our traditional family party, with everyone being all merry, joky, and judging of how well we r developing. So I put on my little mask, and i worked the room, unfortunately for me that with with the older women, because i do not have a taste for basketball. Then we ate, all was merry, dog got into some gifts, and a pie, and then we opened gifts. I got bumpcus for most of my realitves this year. But whatever, they tried, i really liked aunt pats, she turned some drawings of mine she saw on facebook, and made them into postage stamps :D. It was cool, I got to show people my art, and they were all impressed. And thats how that day ended. I was cranky by the end of it, and over all it was a Boss day.

Then today. Madness. I just need a moment to channel my thoughts for this one. Started off at about 9, where i got up, fixed my hair, put on a nice simple black tshirt and jeans, withdrew 200 dollars for the car accident i got into, to pay for repairs, yes i did get in car accident, no big deal, did everything under the table, and i made him, and a witness, sign something saying that he recieved the payment, and overall, wasnt a bad accident, but still an accident. Then, I went over to pick up Kendrick from carpool to go Kendricking for the rest of the day, at around 12. It was good, we started off going to Elyses, and let her dogs out, so they could get some fresh air, and go crazy. Then we went to the mall. Now the mall itself was quite vacant. But the parking lot was beyond ridiculous. So I think it will be a brilliant idea to try the parking garage, and go up to the top floor to see if theres a spot. DUMB! We get there, there are no spots, so i try to get out, and then we get stuck in the getting out line, for an hour, without moving. But then, just when i was about to kill myself, the most amazing woman appears and pulls out in the exact spot that i need her to. It was perfect. She pulled out, I pulled into the spot, and then Kendrick and I got out, and were getting ready to go Kendricking. We get into the mall, nowhere near as many ppl as we anticipated, and we r in line for chicfila, and i hear someone scream my name. I turn around, and I see Hope. Hope! I love her sooo much, but omg, i am completely two different people when I am with either one of them. It was sooo awkward trying to juggle them both, with my two personalities coming out at once. I hope that NEVER happens again. Eventually, after a while, we send her on her way, she was mega sore from her wisdom teeth being pulled (ouch!) and Kendrick and I finish malling it up. Then we decide we r gunna go see Spirt, at 7:40 at Snowden. So we leave at about 6, and we were getting ready for the crazy parking lot madness. When we got there, all the cars were gone! It took us 5 minutes to get out of the mall, and onto route 175! it was amazing! then we went to the movie theater, and got our tickets, and went back to kendricks house to chill for a while, to discover a new car!!!!!! THEY BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!! it was crazy. The thing is HUGE!!! and the nicest car I think ive ever seen. Its soo amazing. And then Mrs. McDonald took us (Ken, me, and Mr.) out and around the hood. Its amazing. But then we left for the movie. MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!!!!! i loved it sooo much. So many inside jokes between me and Kendrick now. So then after the movie I drop Kendrick off and then go home. You think the story is finished yes? It has only begun.

Soooo....then I come home all ready to help my mom wrap gifts, and she was all, just do it tomorrow, and i was all ok, and then she was all, u have to stop lying to me, and i was all, i didnt do anything! and she was all i looke at ur grades. Now you see, I told my mom I got three As and a B, lies, i got one A one B+ and two Bs. Fan freaking tastic. Really, the only reason I lied to my mom was because I was lying to myself. I didnt want to accept that I am not that smart, or that there is probably no chance of me getting into vet school, that was what i had just centered my life around, and now i have to concider another career, and then ill be changing evrything that i was, everything that i told people i was going to do, and now...i feel like im giving up on myself and everyone. I am just so vain. The main reason I am freaking out about this is because I know my image will be completely ruined now, and how everyone who thought me as smart is now going to realize that im a fake........Ughghghghghghg. Thats the problem. I have no actual skill i can call my own. With each click of friends I molded myself to fit a different persona. With the smart nerdy kids, I was the swimmer jock. With my swimming friends, I was the smarty pants nerd. With my artsy friends, I was the nerdy swimmer. Holding on to that, I was able to look at the person next to me, and tell myself that it was ok that they were soooo much better than me, I swim, or im smart, or i can do art. When in reality I cant really do any of those things. Im having a bit of a mental breakdown here. I dont know who I want to be. I dont know what I want. I just dont know. coming home has made me realize what an act I put on for everyone, everyone. Its different for each person too. This is why it was so hard to have Hope and Kendrick at the same time. With Hope I am the crazy outgoing funny guy, buy with Kendrick I am a bit some reserved, and quiet smarty pants, and this is because Hope is the art kid and kendrick is the nerdy swimmer, so i play the outgoing swimmer smarty pants card with Hope, and the artsy smart kid with Kendrick, when both dont realize that I am not that smart (and dont dare anyone say other wise to try and make me feel better, because it is simply not true) and I am not that good at art, and I am not that great of a swimmer. I am sooo frustrated. I have build my life around what other people expected me to be, what they thought would be good for me, what makes me feel like im better than them. This is why this is such a hard blow. I dont want to admit that I am not special, I dont matter. I am just an average kid. Normal. Not any different than the morons that are on Gilmore 4. I need to ruminate on this. I need to figure out what i want to do, i need to find that thing that makes me special. Because without it, I really dont know who Edward Hackett is. As you can tell, today was a roller coaster of a day.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What is with my life

Soooooo......long story short, swimming kinda dominated my life back in the good old high school years from 10-12th grade. I am home, and I am going to all those practices that I need to start to catch up, and beyond being sore, I have discover that I have little life outside this sport. It is kinda SAD! I mean, I love the sport, and I love pushing my body to its physical limit (which is currently shorter than I would like it to be), but seriously, what am I going to do when I dont make the UC Davis team? mur.

Simply being realistic here people. As much as I would love to experience a new thing, like college swimming, I am simply being realistic. I have little chance to drop about ten seconds in any 100 event, or twenty seconds in any 200 event XP. sooo basically, I have to go a 49 in my 100 bk, when i go a 58, a 1:48 in my 200 bk, when i go a 2:01.....and i have to do this in about a two/three month span. Seriously? It doesnt mean I am giving up. I just makes me simply discouraged even further. I also think I am going to join to UC davis water polo team, when i fail to make the standards for swimming. As much as I dont want to give up swimming, I am slowly beginning to realize that it was not the actually sport of swimming that made me happy (dont get me wrong i do love the sport) it was the people that made it worth while. And now that everyone is basically gone, the only think that is even keeping me at clippers practice is Naka...XP. I dont even know what I am going to do when I get back to davis. I really dont like any of the kids on the Davis team. I like a few kids, but only a few, actually more like one. As a group, they arent the friendliest am over thinking this no doubt. My BIGGEST problem. I over think fucking EVERYTHING!

I feel like a freaking girl. Constantly over analyzing, and making interpretations, and judging, and, and, and....ahhhhhhhh. Freakin narcissistic or something? I am currently making Jenn find the right word for me, because I could not find it, and I would not stop looking for it, until I found it, END BAD SENTENCE! I am so not excited to get back to davis now. I mucho excited to see all my friends/ roomies/ shack mates. I miss them soo much, and our craza moments, and craza life style. Problem is when I go back, is that I more than likely will not get to enjoy this lifestyle for a while XP. I will be in training mode....which means my social life will slowly die for a little while = unhappy eddie. But I just have to remember of the benefits for killing myself like this. And whats even better, is that I will still have to continue to kill myself even if I make the team, the only difference is that there will, more than likely, be people that I will like on the team. Thats the goal here, get to a team, where I like the people, and can actually enjoy the benefits socially, and physically from swimming. Unfortunately, this comes at a bit of a sacrifice....

If I do get involved in college swimming, I am really afraid that all other aspects of my life will suffer because of it. College swimmers are just that, college swimmers, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. They arent academics, they arent artsy, they are simply athletes......and those that are something beyond just the narrow scope they have been slotted to, it takes much, much longer for them to finish college. and I am already going to grad school, I am going to be practically dead by the time I get out of vet school, IF i get into vet school. And then I proabably wont be able to do my minors, or that specialization in marine mammals that I wanted to do. FAIL! and than theres my social life. I would be taking a big risk in the gambit called social networking. I absolutely adore the friends I have now, and if I do actually, by some miracle (theyve happened to me ppl) I will most likely be ditching them, for the swim team. Athletes generally, dont go outside theyre own social network. And I love my pals, my amigos, my chums!!! And I know I will love these new people, but who am I to decide fate? Mucho frustrating. I think I just need to chill, and see what happens, I guess. I dont know......I dont like leaving things in the hands of other people. I like deciding my own options, and making my own decisions. Basically, by trying out, I will be going in with soo much uncertainty and I will basically leaving my fate in the hands of this coach, who will decide if i make the team or not. XP.

My god, I think wayyy too much. I need an off switch for my brain! Its preventing me from sleeping. Its 12 now, and I doubt i will fall asleep till 2 or something like that, and I have to go to the pool at 10, which means il be up at like 9/ 9:30. Which isnt that bad......but, I would like a good 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to the 7/6 i will most likely be getting. Other than that, you are probably wondering about my life as of present, not as of future, which hasnt even come yet, which makes me wonder why the fuck I am worrying so much about this, when there is nothing to be done yet, other than struggle at practice....anyway...

lets see, this week has been fairly uneventful. Hung out with kendrick on Saturday, which a blast!!!!! I missed hanging out with that kid, and his family is sooo nice to me :D. Makes me feel right at home being with them. Then I went to my own holiday party after hanging with him, and that was nice seeing everyone from the family friend department. Nice to know noone has changed, and they most likely never will. Then I went back to Kendrick's house, so I could drive him to morning practice the next day, and get 25 bucks from Mr. McDonald, easiest 25 dollas eva!!!
Then Sunday was fairly uneventful, I dont recall doing anything, other than thinking that ken and I were suppose to go shopping, but instead i ended up reading most the afternoon, which was not as fun, but still satisfying in its own way.
Then Monday, my brother and I got kicked out of the house so the cleaning lady could, well, clean. It was awkward, my brother and I arent very, well, close. So, we didnt really do anything together, and i dropped him off at a friends house after he went christmas shopping. Then I saw Christa (ok this is complicated, Chirsta is a Susan's (Kendrick's mom) good friend/neighbor) and her kids with Kellen (Kendircks sister) (yes its weird, but Ive become very close to all of them) at target. Made it a tad awkward by asking for a certain pajama pants, where they are in little to no position to get me a christmas gift, but other than that it was a nice time. Then I went to practice. Did ok in the pool, killed myself in dryland, causing Tuesday (today) to be bad.
Tuesday, kinda sucked. I spent the greater part of the day baking cookies, a 400 some number, and then went to prac. It was breaststroke day. Why I ever swam breakstroke of my own free will, I will never know. But I did, and I died, and was very frustrated with myself because since I couldnt go fast on the br, i didnt get go as fast as I should on the free. XP. But then I killed myself in dryland tomorrow wont be any better. Well thats not true, I am sure it will be, since its chirstmas eve, nothing to get too worked up about.

And thats the update for now. Practice is sucking because I am out of shape, and no one form high school is there. I only have Naka an Kelsey, who is currently mad at me, after my little breaststroke incident, which I dont blame her for, cause it really sucked. Beyond sucked, it was like i had intaken i fist full of soil and then pooped it out the next day. Yea I went there!

I guess I should stop typing before this gets any longer, and maybe i should get some sleep? Big day of wrapping actually i will enjoy the time where i can spend it not thinking :D

Friday, December 19, 2008


so being home is really weird. Basically, time has stood still here, and ive changed soooo much.....its a little weird. I went to see my teachers today, most of them i actually wanted to see, and i said hi, and they asked how is my life now in CA, and i say its amazing, and then we have some nice, some petty, discussion, but really nothing at school has changed. The administration is full of morons, there are some amazing teachers, and some really stupid ones.......its just weird.

Being in the clippers pool really sucks now. The sets are sooooo stupid, and there is noone to really swim with, kendrick is gone, kim quit swimming, nour isnt back yet, and that leaves me and the sucks. Not to mention that im kinda dead from practice, i really struggled the past couple of days, probably from not being able to go to all the practices in davis....but that will change when i can finally make them all. I mean dont get me wrong, they are oging to suck for the first couple of weeks, and probably only going to get worse, and I dont really like most of the people just really sucks. :P I really just want to suck it up this year and try out for the uc davis team in march. OMG i really want to be on the davis team, if i make it, i will extremely happy. But 90 percent says that i wont make the team, and if i dont make the team, i do not think i will be swimming next year. Too much time spent with people i dont really hang out with/ like. As much as i enjoy swimming, i think the only reason i enjoyed it was because i had all my friends there, i really dont want to frustrate myself with all this confusion. So thats that. I am going to work really hard from the start of january, and then try out for the davis team in march. If i make it, yay!!! if i dont, then im done XP. This is a really shitty conclusion to something i have only being doing for like 3 years. Ughghgh, i wish i had started swimming when i was younger! i would be sooo fast right now, but no, i started in my sophmore year of high school! DUMB!

and then theres clippers, ohhhh i really hate clippers right now. Jeff has been helping the current seniors get signed with other swimming schools to swim, and for money. I ask you, WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE WHEN I WAS DOING THAT SHIT! He is talking to them about the letters hes getting from colleges about different kids swimming for their school, i wasnt THAT bad, i had descent times! come on. Not fair! Whatever. I am trying to picture where i would be if i had signed with a school for swimming. Probably not at a very good school.....I do love where i am, i just ruminating on what could have been. :P.

mur. Ughghhg, its always really frustrating to picture what my life could have been. Ex: i couldve gone to private school, but i kno for a fact i wouldnt be swimming right now. Another, I shouldve started swimming younger and then i would be at some other MD school, being all super fast in the pool, but probably really dumb! Ufhhfhfghgh. Mucho frustrated. I cant go back to davis right now, and see the people who like the me that i am, and not what i could be. I think everyone here expects me to be something i am not! My swimmer friends what me to be a super fast swimmer. My school friends expect that i am going to be a super smarty pants. And my karate friends expect that i teach in davis......too many people, too many expectations. I am only one person!!!! But that is a deep emotional problem that i have to solve after i deal with this swimmer thing. I think i really have to learn to be ok with me, not who people expect me to be. This is why i need to go back to davis. Nobody expects anything from me, expect to be a smarty pants, but that is generally easy, easier than being a super smarty pants. Its nice that people except you the way that you are, and not what they think you should be.....i am going to ruminate on that further.

Other than that, the week was pretty uneventful. Went to dinner with hope yesterday, went to dinner with kendrick and his family to celebrate his 15th bday, its weird but they are basically my family now :P, and then got iced in at kendricks house because i was too afraid to drive the night before. That is pretty much it :D. I am just ready to get my life back to where IIIIII want it ( I tried to find a way to emphasize I, since its already capitalized, so i thought repeating it would do the trick). Thanks for excepting me the way i am guys!

Friday, December 12, 2008


Wow, havent done this a while.....where to start

ok, Thanksgiving passed, and so did finals.....a dark chapter of my life i dont wish to revisit any time soon...........and so did the swim meet. Lets start there

Soooo, the swim meet, the first 200 of my 500 fr was amazing, i went like a 1:56, and kicking some serious butts. But then, i died.......and came back, very slow.......made me sad. But then I was all like, ok, cool, i can go fast in the 200 and the 100 fr im swimming over the weekend, its ok. And that held true for the most part. I swam the 100 fr, and i did well, went a 53 low, and then the 100 bk was bad.....but its ok, the 100 fr was good, equilibrium was meet. But then, I was all ready to swim my 200s.......and then my alarm clock didnt go off.......i tried to call brad, and he tried to call me, but we dont have each others numbers......i was so upset, i wouldve won high point award, and probably gotten a best time XP. My life is very frustrating when it comes to karma. But whatever, I justified this happening by saying it was a good excuse to study for my two finals on Monday, of which, both required little studying at all XP.

I guess that moves the conversation neatly to the subject of finals themselves. A fun topic. The first two were on Monday, and I killed them. I smushed them on the ground and beat them so far down into submission that i couldve bottled it for convenience (Thats for Jessay). And then I was all nervous for my last final yesterday, in math. I was all like, OMG i learned soooo much, iz gunna not remember any of it. As it turns out, it was fairly easy, and I think I did well. But that was with a massive amount of studyin, tada! Poor Jenn and Jess, they have poor study habits and they really dont kno how to study at all......I kinda picked it up last year, on the fine thread of failing AP chemistry....IRONY? But theyre both smart cookies and they survived, and Jenn will most likely do so well, we question the size of her brain again.....oh Jenn. But all in all, it went well, Hopefully.

Now for the most important fact of this week. IM GOING HOME! finally. I am so excited. I am currently sitting at the airport, waiting for someone to say my plane has arrived and i can get on it, so i may depart to the magical land of Maryland :D. Of course it will only remain magical until I am actually there. When I get there, I am sure it will no longer be amazing as I remember it. And Im ok with that. But I am sad to be leaving my home, yes my davis home. I love Davis and I love my friends....iz gunna miss them. Especially after that pushing daisies, not really marathon, more of a spree, with Jessy last night. It was amazing, went saw the latest episode, and then went rummaging for top quotes. I cant wait to come back and watch all of them with her!!!! Jess really understands my love of this show. No one else really gets it, and thats ok, it just makes talking in public awkward.

BTW, its suppose to snow when i get home....SNOW! so exciting. Its not even cold enough to freeze ice here, and its gunna SNOW back in MD. Iz excited.

As for the rest of the week, most of it consisted of finals, nothing eventful. But, I was interested to find that when i posted a quiz to see how well people knew me, my sister knew me the best. She knew me better than any one of my friends. Shes seen me when ive been amazing, and when ive been like shit. She gets me :D. I was also pleased to find that other than that, most people dont kno that much about me......and that is good. I dont like getting too attached to anyone. Oh, I also was able to determine that Jenn, is evil/ amazing....shes like Voldomort, with a vagina.