Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What is with my life

Soooooo......long story short, swimming kinda dominated my life back in the good old high school years from 10-12th grade. I am home, and I am going to all those practices that I need to start to catch up, and beyond being sore, I have discover that I have little life outside this sport. It is kinda SAD! I mean, I love the sport, and I love pushing my body to its physical limit (which is currently shorter than I would like it to be), but seriously, what am I going to do when I dont make the UC Davis team? mur.

Simply being realistic here people. As much as I would love to experience a new thing, like college swimming, I am simply being realistic. I have little chance to drop about ten seconds in any 100 event, or twenty seconds in any 200 event XP. sooo basically, I have to go a 49 in my 100 bk, when i go a 58, a 1:48 in my 200 bk, when i go a 2:01.....and i have to do this in about a two/three month span. Seriously? It doesnt mean I am giving up. I just makes me simply discouraged even further. I also think I am going to join to UC davis water polo team, when i fail to make the standards for swimming. As much as I dont want to give up swimming, I am slowly beginning to realize that it was not the actually sport of swimming that made me happy (dont get me wrong i do love the sport) it was the people that made it worth while. And now that everyone is basically gone, the only think that is even keeping me at clippers practice is Naka...XP. I dont even know what I am going to do when I get back to davis. I really dont like any of the kids on the Davis team. I like a few kids, but only a few, actually more like one. As a group, they arent the friendliest bunch.....im am over thinking this no doubt. My BIGGEST problem. I over think fucking EVERYTHING!

I feel like a freaking girl. Constantly over analyzing, and making interpretations, and judging, and, and, and....ahhhhhhhh. Freakin narcissistic or something? I am currently making Jenn find the right word for me, because I could not find it, and I would not stop looking for it, until I found it, END BAD SENTENCE! I am so not excited to get back to davis now. I mucho excited to see all my friends/ roomies/ shack mates. I miss them soo much, and our craza moments, and craza life style. Problem is when I go back, is that I more than likely will not get to enjoy this lifestyle for a while XP. I will be in training mode....which means my social life will slowly die for a little while = unhappy eddie. But I just have to remember of the benefits for killing myself like this. And whats even better, is that I will still have to continue to kill myself even if I make the team, the only difference is that there will, more than likely, be people that I will like on the team. Thats the goal here, get to a team, where I like the people, and can actually enjoy the benefits socially, and physically from swimming. Unfortunately, this comes at a bit of a sacrifice....

If I do get involved in college swimming, I am really afraid that all other aspects of my life will suffer because of it. College swimmers are just that, college swimmers, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. They arent academics, they arent artsy, they are simply athletes......and those that are something beyond just the narrow scope they have been slotted to, it takes much, much longer for them to finish college. and I am already going to grad school, I am going to be practically dead by the time I get out of vet school, IF i get into vet school. And then I proabably wont be able to do my minors, or that specialization in marine mammals that I wanted to do. FAIL! and than theres my social life. I would be taking a big risk in the gambit called social networking. I absolutely adore the friends I have now, and if I do actually, by some miracle (theyve happened to me ppl) I will most likely be ditching them, for the swim team. Athletes generally, dont go outside theyre own social network. And I love my pals, my amigos, my chums!!! And I know I will love these new people, but who am I to decide fate? Mucho frustrating. I think I just need to chill, and see what happens, I guess. I dont know......I dont like leaving things in the hands of other people. I like deciding my own options, and making my own decisions. Basically, by trying out, I will be going in with soo much uncertainty and I will basically leaving my fate in the hands of this coach, who will decide if i make the team or not. XP.

My god, I think wayyy too much. I need an off switch for my brain! Its preventing me from sleeping. Its 12 now, and I doubt i will fall asleep till 2 or something like that, and I have to go to the pool at 10, which means il be up at like 9/ 9:30. Which isnt that bad......but, I would like a good 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to the 7/6 i will most likely be getting. Other than that, you are probably wondering about my life as of present, not as of future, which hasnt even come yet, which makes me wonder why the fuck I am worrying so much about this, when there is nothing to be done yet, other than struggle at practice....anyway...

lets see, this week has been fairly uneventful. Hung out with kendrick on Saturday, which a blast!!!!! I missed hanging out with that kid, and his family is sooo nice to me :D. Makes me feel right at home being with them. Then I went to my own holiday party after hanging with him, and that was nice seeing everyone from the family friend department. Nice to know noone has changed, and they most likely never will. Then I went back to Kendrick's house, so I could drive him to morning practice the next day, and get 25 bucks from Mr. McDonald, easiest 25 dollas eva!!!
Then Sunday was fairly uneventful, I dont recall doing anything, other than thinking that ken and I were suppose to go shopping, but instead i ended up reading most the afternoon, which was not as fun, but still satisfying in its own way.
Then Monday, my brother and I got kicked out of the house so the cleaning lady could, well, clean. It was awkward, my brother and I arent very, well, close. So, we didnt really do anything together, and i dropped him off at a friends house after he went christmas shopping. Then I saw Christa (ok this is complicated, Chirsta is a Susan's (Kendrick's mom) good friend/neighbor) and her kids with Kellen (Kendircks sister) (yes its weird, but Ive become very close to all of them) at target. Made it a tad awkward by asking for a certain pajama pants, where they are in little to no position to get me a christmas gift, but other than that it was a nice time. Then I went to practice. Did ok in the pool, killed myself in dryland, causing Tuesday (today) to be bad.
Tuesday, kinda sucked. I spent the greater part of the day baking cookies, a 400 some number, and then went to prac. It was breaststroke day. Why I ever swam breakstroke of my own free will, I will never know. But I did, and I died, and was very frustrated with myself because since I couldnt go fast on the br, i didnt get go as fast as I should on the free. XP. But then I killed myself in dryland again....so tomorrow wont be any better. Well thats not true, I am sure it will be, since its chirstmas eve, nothing to get too worked up about.

And thats the update for now. Practice is sucking because I am out of shape, and no one form high school is there. I only have Naka an Kelsey, who is currently mad at me, after my little breaststroke incident, which I dont blame her for, cause it really sucked. Beyond sucked, it was like i had intaken i fist full of soil and then pooped it out the next day. Yea I went there!

I guess I should stop typing before this gets any longer, and maybe i should get some sleep? Big day of wrapping tomorrow.....fun.............. actually i will enjoy the time where i can spend it not thinking :D

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