Friday, December 26, 2008


OMG these past couple days have been: LAX, TITS!, BOSS, EPIC, MUCHO GUSTA, NO ME GUSTA, HOSS, AND RIDICULOUS!!!! As we all know these past couple of days have ranged between christmas eve, to the day after christmas. So lets start at the beginning. Christmas eve. Started out going to practice at 10 ending at 12, easy practice. Then progressed to Kendricking (he deserves his own verb at this point) till about....i want to say 6/7 ish, and that was pretty boss, and then my dad summoned me home to wrap gifts and get james gifts out of my car. So then I wrapped gifts until like 11/12ish. No big deal. Day over all was pretty Lax.

Christmas morning arrives, not feeling like christmas morning at all. But I unwrap presents, and we do out silly little traditions that we all do, and it slowly progressed to christmas. Mom and Dad got HOSS stuff. I got a leather jacket, wireless headphones, just overall ridiculously amazing stuff. Then family came over, we had our traditional family party, with everyone being all merry, joky, and judging of how well we r developing. So I put on my little mask, and i worked the room, unfortunately for me that with with the older women, because i do not have a taste for basketball. Then we ate, all was merry, dog got into some gifts, and a pie, and then we opened gifts. I got bumpcus for most of my realitves this year. But whatever, they tried, i really liked aunt pats, she turned some drawings of mine she saw on facebook, and made them into postage stamps :D. It was cool, I got to show people my art, and they were all impressed. And thats how that day ended. I was cranky by the end of it, and over all it was a Boss day.

Then today. Madness. I just need a moment to channel my thoughts for this one. Started off at about 9, where i got up, fixed my hair, put on a nice simple black tshirt and jeans, withdrew 200 dollars for the car accident i got into, to pay for repairs, yes i did get in car accident, no big deal, did everything under the table, and i made him, and a witness, sign something saying that he recieved the payment, and overall, wasnt a bad accident, but still an accident. Then, I went over to pick up Kendrick from carpool to go Kendricking for the rest of the day, at around 12. It was good, we started off going to Elyses, and let her dogs out, so they could get some fresh air, and go crazy. Then we went to the mall. Now the mall itself was quite vacant. But the parking lot was beyond ridiculous. So I think it will be a brilliant idea to try the parking garage, and go up to the top floor to see if theres a spot. DUMB! We get there, there are no spots, so i try to get out, and then we get stuck in the getting out line, for an hour, without moving. But then, just when i was about to kill myself, the most amazing woman appears and pulls out in the exact spot that i need her to. It was perfect. She pulled out, I pulled into the spot, and then Kendrick and I got out, and were getting ready to go Kendricking. We get into the mall, nowhere near as many ppl as we anticipated, and we r in line for chicfila, and i hear someone scream my name. I turn around, and I see Hope. Hope! I love her sooo much, but omg, i am completely two different people when I am with either one of them. It was sooo awkward trying to juggle them both, with my two personalities coming out at once. I hope that NEVER happens again. Eventually, after a while, we send her on her way, she was mega sore from her wisdom teeth being pulled (ouch!) and Kendrick and I finish malling it up. Then we decide we r gunna go see Spirt, at 7:40 at Snowden. So we leave at about 6, and we were getting ready for the crazy parking lot madness. When we got there, all the cars were gone! It took us 5 minutes to get out of the mall, and onto route 175! it was amazing! then we went to the movie theater, and got our tickets, and went back to kendricks house to chill for a while, to discover a new car!!!!!! THEY BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!! it was crazy. The thing is HUGE!!! and the nicest car I think ive ever seen. Its soo amazing. And then Mrs. McDonald took us (Ken, me, and Mr.) out and around the hood. Its amazing. But then we left for the movie. MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!!!!! i loved it sooo much. So many inside jokes between me and Kendrick now. So then after the movie I drop Kendrick off and then go home. You think the story is finished yes? It has only begun.

Soooo....then I come home all ready to help my mom wrap gifts, and she was all, just do it tomorrow, and i was all ok, and then she was all, u have to stop lying to me, and i was all, i didnt do anything! and she was all i looke at ur grades. Now you see, I told my mom I got three As and a B, lies, i got one A one B+ and two Bs. Fan freaking tastic. Really, the only reason I lied to my mom was because I was lying to myself. I didnt want to accept that I am not that smart, or that there is probably no chance of me getting into vet school, that was what i had just centered my life around, and now i have to concider another career, and then ill be changing evrything that i was, everything that i told people i was going to do, and now...i feel like im giving up on myself and everyone. I am just so vain. The main reason I am freaking out about this is because I know my image will be completely ruined now, and how everyone who thought me as smart is now going to realize that im a fake........Ughghghghghghg. Thats the problem. I have no actual skill i can call my own. With each click of friends I molded myself to fit a different persona. With the smart nerdy kids, I was the swimmer jock. With my swimming friends, I was the smarty pants nerd. With my artsy friends, I was the nerdy swimmer. Holding on to that, I was able to look at the person next to me, and tell myself that it was ok that they were soooo much better than me, I swim, or im smart, or i can do art. When in reality I cant really do any of those things. Im having a bit of a mental breakdown here. I dont know who I want to be. I dont know what I want. I just dont know. coming home has made me realize what an act I put on for everyone, everyone. Its different for each person too. This is why it was so hard to have Hope and Kendrick at the same time. With Hope I am the crazy outgoing funny guy, buy with Kendrick I am a bit some reserved, and quiet smarty pants, and this is because Hope is the art kid and kendrick is the nerdy swimmer, so i play the outgoing swimmer smarty pants card with Hope, and the artsy smart kid with Kendrick, when both dont realize that I am not that smart (and dont dare anyone say other wise to try and make me feel better, because it is simply not true) and I am not that good at art, and I am not that great of a swimmer. I am sooo frustrated. I have build my life around what other people expected me to be, what they thought would be good for me, what makes me feel like im better than them. This is why this is such a hard blow. I dont want to admit that I am not special, I dont matter. I am just an average kid. Normal. Not any different than the morons that are on Gilmore 4. I need to ruminate on this. I need to figure out what i want to do, i need to find that thing that makes me special. Because without it, I really dont know who Edward Hackett is. As you can tell, today was a roller coaster of a day.

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